Shut Up, Padfoot!

57

Lily
tw: vomit (in case of emetophobia)

3 months and 12 days.

We've been back to school only for a month and I hate it.

My responsibilities as head girl seemed weighing. I have to stare at these walls day in, day out. Glance at her empty bed every morning, every night. I hate being in that dormitory.

The dormitory smells like her. Her perfume seemed endless and no matter how many fragrance candles we light, it won't vanish. Her things are still under the bed. I haven't gotten the heart to clean it out. Neither has Mary or Molly.

They catch me looking at her bed in the mornings and it's embarrassing. They ask me if I'm okay and I have to lie. I just wish she were under those covers and sleeping soundly. I just wish I could say that.

We've all been a mess ever since that afternoon. I can't look Sirius in the eye anymore. Much less pick my head up when I'm out.

The orphanage gave me all of her belongings, rather than Sirius. I don't know why but I did feel guilt about having it. I packed her things into my luggage before taking the train for our seventh year.

I placed her items just like she would've in her drawers and chest. Her wand lay at her nightstand, collecting dust.

Most of my days are outside. I tried not to avoid my duties but it's hard when all you want to do is fall from the face of the earth.

Today was the one day of sun.

The summer still lingers and my skin burns. The warmth of the grass on my back soothed me. Heated breeze in my hair and seething sun bringing freckles out.

"Would you rather it rain, Cry?" I whispered.

I got no response.

I swallowed to rid of the lump in my throat. I can't cry out here when students are passing by. I can't keep crying. It's weak.

"You said my mum can be anywhere I wanted. Why aren't you here?" I continued.

Closing my eyes, I breathed in. My robes clung to my body in areas where perspiration formed. My temple sweat and I laid uncomfortably.

"You said I wouldn't be broken," I recalled.

My fingers dug into the dirt, blades of greenery in my palm. The familiar feeling crept up my neck and a flash of her blue eyes morphing into grey passed through my mind.

"You liar."

A tear slowly fell from my eye, tracking to the side of my head and burying itself in my hairline.

Why her?

I would do anything to be in her place.

She was selfless, caring, loving. She put the world in front of her and herself behind it. She carried the weight of the pain on her shoulders and even when her knees buckled to the ground, she wouldn't let go.

'Hey! They look like mine!'

'Really?! Did it work?'

I whimpered, immediately biting it back when I heard myself. I brought my fist up to my head, lightly pounding it in frustration. I can't remember this, not now.

"Shit! Stop thinking, stop thinking, stop thinking," I demanded.

'Since when did I have such a beautiful best friend?'

'Excuse me? I should be saying the same thing!'

"Cry, don't do this to me," I begged.

My head is throbbing and my chest hurts. Why do bad things happen to us? We have gone through too much for just seventeen year olds. Especially her... she was suffering until her last breath.

'Lils, I love you.'

"Goddamnit!"

I sat up, clutching my stomach. I covered my mouth, nausea hitting me. Tears trickled down my cheeks and I breathed heavily.

She's gone.

She's gone.

She's gone.

I'm alone.

I'm broken.

Acid hit the back of my throat and I gagged, holding myself back. I didn't even eat anything today. Or yesterday.. or the day before.

My eyes squeezed tightly and I begged myself not to throw up. The putrid taste of bile already overwhelming my mouth. My nails dug into my skin, brain pleading to keep it down.

Absolutely disgusting.

I'm out here desperately asking my own body to not give out on me. Resorting to survive on its own by acting up. My digestive system imploring for health.

A large wave of nausea hits again and that was the last straw.

I double over completely, hands and knees. My airways block and liquid travels up my esophagus. Splashes of throw up land on the ground and the noise itself is triggering.

Sobbing with blazing eyes and emptying stomach. My hair sticks to my cheeks and the ends cover with bits and substance.

The vomit stopped coming up and I sit back on my heels. The burning sensation of the sour taste lined my gums and tongue. I breathed harshly, my breaths coming out in wheezes. The ground matted with watery consistency and I cried harder.

Everything's going wrong.

I can't take care of myself anymore. I'm completely useless. Nothing's right without her.

"Lily?"

Fear rose and embarrassment crawled up my spine. I looked up and the shame settled in. Why of all times?

"Lily, are you okay?" James questioned worriedly.

"No, I'm not okay. She's gone and I want to go after her," I sobbed.

"Shit, hey.. hey."

He lowered down to my side, making sure to not sit near the mess. I shifted my head to him. I look horrible right now, I just know. I can't believe I'm showing my vulnerable side to him. Cry was the only one that could see it and it even took her a while.

His hand came up, slowly digging into my hair. His thumb pressed into my cheek and I looked away from him. Another person I can't make eye contact with.

"I'm sorry.. I'm such a mess right now. I- I didn't mean for this to happen," I stammered.

He took me by surprise when his sleeve wiped at my chin. He cleaned my mouth and lower face. This is so embarrassing.  I hate that I've come to this point and made him do this.

"Lily, you could never be a mess. And you can't stop yourself from throwing up. Don't be so hard on yourself," he said.

"Shit.. James, I- I think I'm broken," I choked out.

"You're not broken. You're the most whole person out there. You will never be broken, never," he swore.

"You're lying," I argued.

"I'm not. Cry never lied and she even said you won't be broken. Gonna doubt her now after six years?" he told.

"I don't want to."

"Then don't."

-lana
eeee we're on lily's part now