Thicker than Water (Marauders Era)

1 November, 1981 - Waiting

*

The next day was quite possibly one of the worst of Lavinia's entire, miserable life. It started with the exhaustion of having stayed up too late the night before and the hollow feeling left by the cold sheets next to her where Sirius should have been. It was the force of habit more than anything else that made Lavinia get out of bed and put on proper clothes. Force of habit that made her push away thoughts about how different this morning was from yesterday. Force of habit that made her head for the living room. But the house, like her bed, was empty. Remus was still asleep. And Sirius had not come home during the night.

Lavinia didn't give herself space to think about it, didn't let herself dwell. It was like there was a cliff looming in front of her and the only thing keeping her from stepping right over the edge was sheer force of will. Because he would come back. Tonight or tomorrow, he would come back. Because he had promised. She had it in writing on those papers on her desk. He had promised.

So she pushed those thoughts back, even as his parting words echoed in her head. Remember I love you. Like she might have time to forget before he got the chance to say it again. Like something would happen to make her doubt the one thing she had never questioned.

She did not think about it. She couldn't. Because if she did, she might fall apart, might give up. Might let the pieces of herself blow away on whatever cliffside breeze she could find. So she did not think about it. Or she tried not to, anyway.

She spent nearly the entirety of that first day of November sitting on the couch, twisting her engagement ring around her finger and pretending that she wasn't waiting. Waiting for the sound of the door, or a message. Or any sign at all that he was alive. Alive. She could handle anything as long as he was alive. Because if he was dead... she had not said goodbye. No, her last words to him had been a shout, a demand, a desperate cry of you can't. She had not told him she loved him too. Had not begged him to remember that as he had for her.

She twisted the ring faster, harder, until the skin beneath it was red and raw and the quiet pain of it drove other thoughts from her head. Until the pain was a point of focus, a cold moment of clarity in the wild storm in her head. She stopped only when Remus pulled her hands away from each other with a look that broke her heart. Or would have, if it hadn't already been in pieces around her.

Late morning faded into afternoon and Lavinia was still waiting, and still pretending she wasn't. Then afternoon tipped into the beginnings of evening and the buzzer charm went off. Lavinia went flying from her seat, her knees barking painfully against the coffee table as she collided with it. She made it all the way to the door before she realized that the buzzer would not have gone off if that was Sirius coming home. He would have been able to walk straight through. She stopped with her hand on the knob, staring at the wood, bracing herself for what this must mean even as she knew that nothing in the world could keep her standing if that particular blow fell.

She had not said goodbye.

But she pushed the thought away, trying to deny deny deny, and opened the door, walking down the path with forced calm, holding herself together only because she refused to feel anything at all. Just in case this really was her worst case scenario. Because that was Emmeline standing just beyond the protective enchantments. Emmeline, who, for the last three months had brought them news, both good and, usually, bad. Emmeline, who was watching her with an expression of heartbreak and pity, whose eyes flicked behind her as Remus too came out of the house, no doubt as desperate for news as she was.

But desperate or not, Lavinia kept her steps even, her breath calm. She would not panic. She would not fall apart.

She had not said goodbye.