She wanted to die.
He wanted to live.
•••
A hand grabbed onto my wrist, yanking me back just as the train rushed past, before I'd even had time to comprehend whether or not I'd carry out the action. I stumbled back into the person's chest, my hear...
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"So where does that leave you and Theo now then?"
Sighing heavily, I tore my eyes away from Romeo's as I glanced behind him at the distant city lights and the ever so slowly brightening sky, still the shade of brooding indigo and inky blue. "We're better, after I actually talked with him and was honest with him," I answered. "I just need to learn that he wants to be there for me, and I'm not a burden to him."
The mind was a powerful place, and when I ruminated over a thought long enough to convince me that it was true, there was no going back. Almost like brainwashing, I would repeat a thought over and over until it was no longer speculation and instead definite fact, torturing myself over the things my mind concocted to inflict me with doubt. And the negative thoughts were easier to do that with, because I was so accustomed to them that thinking otherwise would have felt strange. It was easier to tell myself that Theo would be better off without me than to admit that he genuinely cared for me - and that was one of the many problems I was going to fix.
"You should probably learn to stop self-sabotaging too while you're at it."
My gaze snapped back to Romeo's, mildly irritated at the truth in his words. Biting back my instant urge to be defensive, I exhaled deeply, breaking his gaze as I cast my eyes up to the dim sky still sparkling with light. "And how am I meant to do that?" I replied, a bitter edge to my tone as my lips curled up into a wry smile.
"Why do you self-sabotage in the first place?" Romeo shot back, his deep brown eyes barely grazing over mine before he glanced away again. "Why do you push away the people that you need the most?"
He spoke the question so lightly as thought it wouldn't pierce through my chest, like his words weren't little shards of metal aimed directly at the wall I seemed to put up whenever I was around Theo.
"Because the people I needed the most let me down. The people who birthed me and were meant to raise me- they left me to fend for myself," I muttered, my gaze low as I let my eyes linger along the glowing blue panels along the bottom of the railing. "So now I ruin every good thing I have, and I self-sabotage everything I care about, because I'd rather break myself than have other people break me again."
I'd rather be responsible for my demise than have someone else take credit for my downfall. And hurting myself before anyone could hurt me just meant that I was always prepared for it; there was no surprise of being stabbed in the back, or shock of having my trust broken yet again.
I suppose, in a sick way, I liked the control that gave me. For once, I got to choose how actions would impact my emotions, and the circumstances I found myself in. Gone was helpless, vulnerable Cassie, and in came the girl who kept everyone at such a distance so that even those who were close were still so far away.
"Do you realise how unhealthy that is?"
I shrugged, an airy laugh slipping through my lips. "At least I'm self-aware!"
