Shut Up, Padfoot!

59

Lily

My nails glittered in the fire light. Sparkles bounced off and the lingering smell of nail polish is still present. The sun has gone down and the night swarms.

Nights are always the hardest.

When the schedule is finally cleared, the homework is packed, and the conversation has died. The mind is open and it wanders to places that I always regret going.

"Not going to bed, Lily?"

I shifted my head, glancing beside me. James held his hair out of his face and scratched his neck. His lids looked heavy. His cheekbones aren't as prominent as they were a couple months ago and my heart bursts with pride. He's filling out his clothes again and his hair is healthier.

"Join me?" I offered.

Silently, he crouched to the ground. He grunted while setting his back on the couch, drawing his knees up to his chest. Our shoulders grazed. I'm not sure if I should look at him or the fireplace.. am I allowed to look at him?

Peering uneasily at him, I noticed he was already looking at me. My breath caught in my throat. He'll always have one of the most intense stares, whether it was intended or not.

"Do you believe in love at first sight?" he blurt.

I blinked and flicked my eyes to him. I scanned his eyes behind his glasses, the fire reflecting across them. Swallowing, I turned away before I thought of doing something I'd regret.

"No, I don't. Not for me at least," I replied.

"Me neither. I think it was true for Cry and Padfoot though," he chuckled.

"That's what I meant," I said.

I smiled, my mouth upturning but not my eyes. I think all of us saw the type of love between Cry and Sirius. It wasn't something you could miss. From the moment they laid eyes on each other, the world stopped. I was witnessing one of the most important events in her life. Maybe a little in mine.

But it isn't a thing in my world. I can't fall in love because I don't know if it's the right person. Cry knew right away that the person she wanted to spend the rest of her life with was Sirius. For me, I've never felt that.

"Have you ever been in love, Lily?" he questioned.

Frowning, I tilt my head to the side. My hair fell off my shoulder and trapped itself between my back and the couch. My legs ached but I can't get up now.

"No, James," I answered.

He hummed in response. Was that what he wanted to hear? Or was it something else? Genuinely, there was no other answer that I could have come up with.

I know he's in love with me.

It's not some secret. Cry said it, Sirius said it, Remus said, hell, I'm sure James has said it. Not officially at least.

"Do you think I'd have a chance to be the person you fall in love with?" he asked.

So straightforward. Caught me off guard. I swiped my hair away from my face. Growing out bangs is so bothersome. I bit my lip and gazed ahead of me.

"Yes."

I heard him take a sharp inhale. He was equally surprised. Was that what he wanted to hear this time? I think it was something I've always wanted to hear. Maybe I should've given him the chance a long time ago.

Something about him though.. always put me off. The possiblity that he could revert back to his old ways. Bullying kids, teasing me, acting cocky. Like I have to be careful in case he relapses.

But I've never given him a chance. I don't know the person he is anymore. I only found out what eleven year old James was, not the one six years later. He's grown and I have to accept that.

"But not right now," I added.

Honesty.. is a hard trait to have. I may be quiet about what's going on but I trust that I'm honest. I hate seeing lies bubbling and the truth being twisted. If that was something to be known, it was right to have said it.

"I know," he told.

I looked down. My finger pressed into the silver rings on his knuckles. The large pieces cool on my skin. I traced the patterns while I listened to his breathing.

If I had to go, what would I abandon?

My life, my school, my friends, the pain. Responsibilities of head girl. Hogwarts, magic. Muggle life, my parents, Petunia. Memories of Cry.

What would I take?

James Potter.

"Are you in love with me?" I quietly uttered.

His fingertip ran along my nail. He lightly touched the polish and the glitter. Gently, almost like my body were made of glass. But his skin was rough. Scars were embedded into his palms along with stories for every single one. Chewed nails to reflect the never fading nightmares of sixth year.

How can he touch me so softly?

When I'm all but worthy of it?

He's seen my worst, yet to see the deeper forests of misery. My face on fire, my bones poking out of my shirts, my stomach on its way back up. He's seen it all, the insides of monstrosity. The ugliness of it all.

And he looks at me like I'm the most beautiful thing on this earth.

"Yes, I am," he confirmed.

Finally, I make eye contact with him. His cheeks are rosy and I saw the concentration on his face. He doesn't know what's going to happen either.

Maybe I am worth the love. Maybe I do deserve to love and be loved. Not someone to sit from afar and wait until something happens. It won't happen unless I do something. Grab my life and turn it into what I want.

Fuck destiny, fuck fate, fuck a premade universe.

This is my life.

I leaned in, not thinking anymore. His lids flutter, breath fanning my face, and our lips brush. The scent of his shampoo wafts and I almost smile with endearment.

"Kiss me," I whispered against his mouth.

His hand pressed into the back of my neck, my hair stuck underneath. The fire crackled from ahead and slowly, I closed my eyes.

-lana
what would you abandon? what would you take? cry couldn't answer the question, lily could. can you? lmk in the comments :)