Cost of Taste | ✓

Kabanata 38

Kabanata 38

I sometimes wonder why bad things happen to people. Sabi nila, karma raw ito sa mga masamang ginawa ng mga tao. It's just the consequences of their actions. Whatever you throw at people will eventually be thrown towards you.

Pero paano naman ako? Ano bang ginawa ko?

I admit that I'm not perfect, I'm not even considered as a good person. Sa mata ng marami ay maaaring hindi ako magandang ehemplo upang gayahin ng mga tao. I do things like cursing, drinking and I'm mostly driven by my hormones. Pero ni minsan ay hindi ko hinangad na makasakit ng taong walang ginawang masama sa akin. Kaya hanggang ngayon ay nagtataka ako kung bakit ba paulit-ulit na lang itong nangyayari. My life was like a cycle of misfortunes.

"Arri..."

I was too numb, I don't know if it's because of the medicines they gave to me or the solemn feeling inside of my chest that just won't sink. I kept staring at the empty space of the room because I can't move my face due to bruises I've got from the incident. Naranasan ko na ito noon, my face was heavily injured but I was able to make light out of it.

I tried pinching myself just to feel pain but even if my skin bleeds, the pain just won't come. I wanted to feel pain to let myself know that I was still alive. I don't know...I know pain isn't the only validation to feel alive but I wasn't capable of feeling joy or anything right now. Kahit sana sakit na lang para alam kong buhay pa ako.

"Arri, do you wanna eat something?"

Adren was holding my hand, gently rubbing it. I feel nothing. I couldn't find any warmth in his cold hands.

"The baby is still inside me, right?" I asked, unexpectedly my voice turned out hoarse.

"I love you."

I can't look at him right now.

The lump in my throat continues to grow. The tears I tried so hard to suppressed from falling decided it's time for them to go. My heart finally felt heavy and the hollow feeling was replaced with excruciating pain.

Ah, finally, there's pain. Buhay ka pa nga, Arrisea.

Buhay ka pa nga pero parang pinatay ka na rin.

I wanted to scream but I have no voice. I wanted to hurt someone but I have no energy to. I wanted to hurt someone so badly...but that won't bring my baby back.

"Arri, I love you." Adren was kissing my knuckles, it felt wet and it was probably also from his tears.

"Did you know I was planning on naming the baby with a letter A too?" A bittersweet feeling entered my chest. "Paano ko na siya papangalanan ngayon?"

I sniffed but the tears won't stop.

"Arri..." he kissed the top of my head as his grip on my hand tightens. "I'm sure that our baby is proud of you. You're still here. I thought...I've lost you forever."

"I couldn't save our baby..."

Adren shed a tear.

"I told myself that I'll stay with you, kahit isang rason lang 'yon. But I saw you having a more peaceful life without me. I couldn't take that away from you..."

His breathing hitched. "Your peace matters the most, Arri. I just thought I could be with you when things are already settled. Pero hanggang ngayon ay gulo pa rin ang dala ko sa'yo..."

Our gazes locked with each other.

We both understood what it meant. Sometimes, we have to let go of certain people, memories, or places just to regain our peace. Adren's grip on my hand loosen and he gave a smile.