Breathe Again

21: A Car Crash of a Non-Conversation

They have been on the road for half an hour and not a single word has been exchanged, they're sat in silence and Isaac thinks that the silence may be driving him insane. He loves silence but right now it's making him overthink everything. He wants to think about things, knows he needs to think about things, but his brain does not seem to realise that now is really not the right time.

He's tempted to turn the radio on, to fill the car with at least some sort of noise. But he's worried that will look stupid, somehow make him look bad in some sort of way. Isaac knows just being insecure but he can't help feeling scared. Scared that whatever he does will be something wrong, everything between them already feels fractured, but Isaac doesn't want to be the one to destroy it even more. He's still holding onto a faint thread of hope that everything between them might be repaired, that they may be able to salvage a friendship at least from the wreckage. He is aware that it's like a hopeless hope but that doesn't stop him clinging on to it anyway.

Eventually Isaac can't tolerate it any longer and he leans forward and flicks on the radio. Taylor Swift instantly fills the car and Isaac finds himself relaxing slightly, anything has to be better than the endless silence. Isaac can't bring himself to fill it, doesn't know what he'd say if he tried to, but there's something so uncomfortable about the idea of silence when Liam is around. Liam has always been the one to fill the silence, with awkward childhood stories, and endless questions, and recaps of his favourite musicals. Isaac supposes that when he said he didn't want to talk, he didn't think Liam would take that to mean that all conversation should cease. This is probably for the best though he tells himself, even if Liam was talking, overflowing with words, Isaac doesn't think he'd have anything much to say in reply. Not that that has stopped Liam before.

So they drive in silence and somehow the road feels longer than they ever have before, several times Isaac thinks that surely they must be nearly home by now only to look at the Satnav and realise they've still got miles and hours to go.

When the light flashes to tell him he's low on fuel Isaac can't decide if it's a blessing or a curse. On the one hand it's a chance for respite, to escape the car, get some fresh air, and escape the oppressive silence. But on the other hand it's just one more thing to prolong their journey, one more thing stopping Isaac from returning home to the certainty of the family, to a place where everything is known and things are less messy than things have become here.

Isaac doesn't say anything as they pull into the petrol station but is surprised to find that when Isaac gets out of the car Liam does too.

"I'm going to stretch my legs," Liam says.

Isaac simply nods. He doesn't know how things will ever be the same again, everything that once was feels so lost and Isaac doesn't think the two of them will ever be able to find their way back. His heart aches with the thought.

Isaac tries to force himself to think about something else as he fills the car, but it feels impossible. Right now it doesn't feel like there is anything else, there's just him and Liam and the gigantic chasm between them. Isaac wonders if this whole time when he thought the two of them were so close there was a crack between them, waiting for the right opportunity to split open and leave them both stranded.

Isaac wishes there was someone he could ask for advice but he can't handle the questions from Daniel, the 'why didn't you tell me's and the 'what the hell Isaac's. He doesn't even know where he'd start if he had to tell his family. The only person that seems like he'd understand is Liam, and he's half the reason they're in this whole mess in the first place. The thought makes Isaac's heart feel as if it's about to split in two, it's not easy knowing that the only person you want to talk to, the only person who might be able to offer the right advice, is the one person you're not talking to anymore.