Kiss It Better, Dr. Ross

What Should I Wear?

Why is my reflection someone I don't know

~~~

"Why are you so worried? You've gone on hundreds of dates," Spencer sighed from Brendon's bed. The other stood in front of a mirror, smoothing out the front of his eighth outfit he's tried on.

"They were all losers who were just going to be a one night stand."

"So this thing with Ryan, how long is that gonna last?" Brendon paused his movement, meeting Spencer's gaze in the mirror. He looked away, eyes now focused on the buttons of his shirt. He gave a weak shrug, fingers slowly running over the line of buttons. He could already feel where the conversation was headed and he really didn't want to get into that topic again.

"Brendon, you have to --"

"I know," Brendon cut him off quickly.

"How long do you think you can hold off telling him?" He could hear the impatiences in Spencer's voice. It slowly killed the butterflies of excitement in him.

"I-I don't know." He started pulling off his outfit, again not satisfied with his appearance. He put on a pair of jeans he already tried on and went to his closet to find a new shirt.

"How do you think he'll react after finding out that you have cancer? If you're actually interested in this guy, you should tell him." Brendon pushed hangers aside, focused more on his search than Spencer's warning. "How can you be okay with keeping this a secret?" Brendon hummed softly to himself, occasionally lingering on a shirt before continuing looking through his clothes.

"Brendon, are you even listening?"

"Do you think I should wear blue? Maybe if I go with different pants. What about shoes," Brendon thought out loud.

"Do you even feel guilty for doing this to some innocent guy?" As Spencer kept trying to gain his friend's attention, Brendon grew more visibly tense, pushing hangers aside more aggressively and ripping a random shirt out of the closet. He went back to the mirror, holding the fabric against his chest.

"That's not fair to him." Spencer noticed how ridged the other was, but that was the only indication that was he listening. "Brendon!" The man spun around, shirt now bunched in his fist. Spencer could clearly see the tears lining the bottom of his eyes.

"You think I enjoy this? You think I want to keep this a secret?" Normally, Spencer would rush to Brendon's side, but stayed frozen on the bed. "I don't! I don't like how this is what my life is now. I can't go out on a date without the lingering thought that this can't get serious because I won't be here much longer." Brendon wiped his cheek free of stray tears and turned his attention to the far wall of his room.

"I just thought that maybe for this one guy, maybe for this one night, I could pretend... maybe I could fantasize what it would be like to go out and act like I'm the same person I was before all this happened. I don't want to have cancer, not tonight. Is that too much to ask?" Spencer eyed Brendon failing to keep it together.

Brendon felt himself grow tired from his little outburst, swaying in place. He leaned on the mirror for support, closing his eyes and pressing his head on the cool surface. Spencer took the opportunity to move to his side, pulling the other against him. As much as Brendon didn't want to, he sagged into his friend's embrace. His anger evaporated. He focused on keeping his breath even to keep himself from passing out.

"Are you okay?" Spencer whispered, voice no longer showing any of the irritation from earlier. Brendon considered getting mad again and pushing him away, but knew he didn't have the strength or real want to retaliate against the man.

"Yeah," he decided. "I'm okay." Spencer kept his hold firm until Brendon regained enough energy to stand on his own.

Are you gonna be okay going out tonight?" Brendon could already feel the disappointment. He looked over at the mirror, scanning his reflection. It wasn't hard for him to notice that he was losing weight. His face was slightly thinner than before, his ribs were slowly becoming more defined, and his stomach was sunken in more than usual. The circles under his eyes were darker even more so compared to his paling skin.

He shut his eyes, picturing the toned body he was always proud to show off. He had the energy to be constantly on the move and still have some to spare. He was a whole other person then. He wished for that again, even if it was only one more day.

"I'll be okay." Spencer pulled his eyebrows together in worry. He watched Brendon sway slightly on his feet. This wasn't the first time he'd seen this, but Brendon's recovery time was gradually lengthening. Brendon opened his eyes, fresh desire sparkling in them. Spencer could never stop him from doing something he wanted. It was just hard to say 'no' to the man. Spencer grabbed the shirt from Brendon's hand and tossed it aside.

"Let's find you an outfit then cause clearly you need my help," he joked. Brendon met his gaze in the mirror, smiling brightly. Spencer pushed down his worry for the sake of Brendon's freedom for the night.

He'd do anything to keep his friend smiling. He wanted Brendon to feel normal still because he had the right to not be seen as a just disease even if it was for one night with a clueless guy. He just wanted his best friend to keep smiling while he was still around for him to see.