touched ✓

lxvii

sirens

when he first realized he was going to get caught, he'd heard me screaming into the phone

"help me! please, god help me!"

i was yelling,

i was sobbing,

i was dying

to get away from him.

          he hadn't seen me run out the room,

one stair

         two stair

               three stair

                    ... then four,

                                 the slap of my feet hitting the floor.

the sound of a door slamming, "you fucking bitch!" he was chasing me, his heavy boots knocking against the rickety, wooden staircase.

i'd briefly heard the operator asking for my location from the phone that lay limp in my hand,

"just track the fucking call, please!"

back doorback doorback door

and then i'd sprint for the neighbors yard.

but he was faster,

he was stronger,

he was fueled by my undying fear.

so when his soiled hand came up to wrap around my throat, it took everything in me not to panic.

the alcohol on his breath, his other hand resting tightly on my ribcage, the deep chuckle that reverberated through him from his blackened soul and through to chill my paralyzed bones...

i believed that he'd kill me.

his sweat on my half- naked torso,

his ringed fingers squeezing the air out of me, breath by shaky breath.

and for once, i knew that i wasn't ready to die.

sirens

"come out with your hands up."

he's gonna kill me.

god, he's gonna kill me.

and then, i heard, "let go! let me go, dammit! let me in the fucking house, let me kill that worthless piece of shit!"

it was you.

i could see through the open blinds, you being restrained by officers, your body clashing against theirs as you tried to free yourself.

clawing at his hands,

i tried to get out.

if i could get out the door, i could see you again; you made me feel safe, you protected me.

"you think he wants you now?" he must've seen me staring at your thrashing body, "you think he wants you? he doesn't, he's not me."

i heard him digging around in his pocket before a cool metal was placed on my thigh.

"he won't tolerate your shit, keep you in line, he won't! and yet you still perfer someone weak-"

and then with a sharp pain, i felt the knife plunge into me. i cried out, my tweth latching onto his wrist, his hand squeezing tighter as if he didn't feel pain.

"we belong together."

another sharp sensation as he twisted the pocket knife, the blood pouring out onto my jeans and dripping on the floor.

"you're nothing, you're nothing and you'll never be anything without me."

and as those words registered in my mind,

i felt my ears pop,

the knife going deeper into me,

and then his hands were off of me.

sirens.

i felt my weight being forced down by gravity, my head swimming and pounding in synchronization.

i'm dying
i'm dying

please,
don't let me die.

your arms around me,

your hoodie wrapped around my thigh trying to stop the bleeding,

your constant murmmers of 'i love you',

the paramedics, it was all a blur.

it was all a blur as you clutched onto me as if your life depended on it.

"i love you." and then i was sobbing into your shirt, yelling incoherent sentiments and 'i love yous'

i was broken,

i was tainted,

i was replaceable,

you didn't care.

you wanted to love me and i vowed to let you.

i heard yelling, the only thing distinguishable,

                                                           "he's dead."

i guess when he died, so did my mental chains.

i was okay.

---

the beginning.