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MINISTRY SEEKS EDUCATIONAL REFORM DOLORES UMBRIDGE APPOINTED FIRST EVER HIGH INQUISITOR
In a surprise move, last night the Ministry of Magic passed a new legislation giving itself an unprecedented level of control at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. "The Ministry has been growing uneasy about the goings-on at Hogwarts for some time," said Junior Assistant to the Minister, Percy Weasley. "He is now responding to concerns voiced by anxious parents, who feel the school may be moving in a direction they do not approve of." This is not the first time in recent weeks that the Minister. Cornelius Fudge has used new laws to effect improvements at the Wizarding school. As recently as thirtieth August, Educational Decree Number Twenty Two was passed to ensure that in the event of the current Headmaster being unable to provide a candidate for a teaching post, the Ministry should select an appropriate person. "That's how Dolores Umbridge came to be appointed to the teaching staff at Hogwarts," said Weasley last night. "Dumbledore couldn't find anyone so the Minister put in Umbridge, and of course she's been an immediate success, totally revolutionizing the teaching of Defence Against the Dark Arts and providing the Minister with on the ground feedback about what's really happening at Hogwarts." Is it the function that the Ministry has now formalised with the passing of Educational Decree Number Twenty Three, which creates the new position of Hogwarts High Inquisitor. "This is an exciting new phase in the Minister's plan to get to grips with that some are calling the falling standards at Hogwarts," said Weasley. "The Inquisitor will have powers to inspect her fellow educators and make sure they are coming up to scratch. Professor Umbridge has been offered this position in addition to her own teaching post and we are delighted to say that she has accepted." The Ministry's new move has received enthusiastic support from parents of students at Hogwarts. "I feel much easier in my mind now that I know Dumbledore is being subjected to fair and objective evaluation," said Mr Lucius Malfoy, 41, speaking from his Wiltshire mansion last night. "Many of us with our children's best interests at heart have been concerned about some of Dumbledore's eccentric decisions in the last few years and are glad to know that the Ministry is keeping an eye on the situation." Among those eccentric decisions are undoubtedly the controversial staff appointments previously described in this newspaper, which have included the employment of werewolf Remus Lupin, half-giant Rubeus Hagrid and delusional ex Auror, Mad-Eye Moody. Rumours abound, of course, that Albus Dumbledore, once Supreme Mugwump of the International Confederation of Wizards and Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot is no longer up to the task of managing the prestigious school of Hogwarts. "I think the appointment of the Inquisitor is a first step towards ensuring that Hogwarts has a headmaster in whom we can all repose our confidence," said a Ministry insider last night. Wizengamot elders Griselda Marchbanks and Tiberius Ogden have resigned in protest at the introduction of the post of Inquisitor to Hogwarts. "Hogwarts is a school, not an outpost of Cornelius Fudge's office," said Madam Marchbanks. "This is a further disgusting attempt to discredit Albus Dumbledore." (For a full account of Madam Marchbanks's alleged links to subversive gobbling groups, turn to page seventeen)
