I've never really been comfortable enough to be myself around people
Even when I was a young and hopeful child
Because at some point, I stopped being that hopeful child
I stopped because my parents got divorced
I stopped because we moved too many times
I stopped because I got ripped away from my friends over and over and over again
I stopped because children are cruel
No matter the age
By the age of six I had already been exhausted
And when I turned 7 I vaguely remembered that happy childhood
And after that I was too mature for the children my age and too annoying for the older kids
I was always alone
I never truly fit in
My clothes were too different
I physically matured too quickly
And after that I had gained so much weight
My hair was messy and my face too fat
So I either pull it back or left it down and put on baggy clothing to cover up the fact
It didn't help
It never helped
My eyebrows were and still are uneven, my eyes too small
My lips altered and turn ugly with a single smile
My teeth too crooked
And my eyes sight so horrible that I have to wear glasses
I couldn't go anywhere without being called four eyes
Uncomfortable in my clothes
Uncomfortable in my home
Uncomfortable at school
I had always tried to make friends but it was a moot point
Because friends don't last forever
Even if they promised you that they'd stay
I always got so attached
I had always hoped, "This one, this one will stay, they promised'"
Only for that promise to be continuously broken
Over and over again
Until finally, I just stopped believing them
- I got uncomfortable when people made them
And now...
Now
I'm the one breaking promises
I'm the one that leaves
Cause I'm too afraid to be left again
So I leave before the other person can
And I think
God I hate myself
I hate myself so much
Cause I don't want to be like this
I don't want to leave others the way that people have left me
I don't want to do that
But people are impatient
Because I stopped believing them
I got uncomfortable when someone told me that they cared about me
Because they never meant it
I hate myself for being so broken
I hate that I want to keep in touch with friends but I can't because I'm so fucking fragile
I'm trying
Please believe me
I'm trying
Trying to get better
Trying to text back
Trying to fight my demons
Even though it seems like my mind is under attack
Uncomfortable with my voice
Uncomfortable with my body
Uncomfortable with myself
And it's all I'll ever try to do to just talk to somebody
But my words never seem to come out the way I want them to
Stuttering through simple sentences while trying to express what I'm feeling in the hope that people will understand
I'm trying
But with all my flaws and issues
How am I suppose to?
How am I suppose to be comfortable?
Comfortable in my own skin?
