The Obsessive Villainess Vol. 1 ✔

25. The irony of temptation

Chapter 25: The irony of temptation.
They say Lucifer had the prettiest face.

"Cassian isn't well today." Caeles and I were in a carriage heading towards a charity exhibition. "So you better watch yourself." Caeles warned me and I rolled my eyes.

"What happened to him?" I asked.

"...He's been overworking. He ended up getting a cold."

Ah... then he really needs to be careful. Colds in fictional worlds always make for unique situations.

Caeles watched me for a moment. "What about you?"

"What about me?" I asked, confused.

"I heard... about what had been happening in the estate." He looked uncomfortable. It made the corners of my lips quirk up.

"What's this? Are you worried about me?"

Caeles gave an annoyed sigh but continued to watch me quietly, waiting for me to reply. I tilted my head.

"Don't you know who I am? I handled it. Everything's fine now."

"You should have told someone. What did you do?"

I narrowed my eyes and shrugged. I'm sure my smile was the same as the one that terrifies me every time I look in the mirror. I spoke with disgusting glee. It was to cover my self-depreciation.

"I threatened to have their families killed. They all fell on their knees like dominoes. It was actually quite an interesting scene."

I smirked and continued, "Some of them were crying. It felt good to watch that. Serves them right."

My hands felt weird these days. Ever since that day when I used them and made someone bleed. I can still remember the feel of that girl's cheek beneath my palm as I struck her. In that madness, for a second, I thought I might finally feel satisfied if I caused them that pain. That I had a right to do it.

But that was false. I only felt more dirty and despicable. I thought relieving my anger on those people who have been bad to me would help me. But I just feel worse about myself. It's like when someone makes you angry and you finally snap and let loose; you say words that would hurt them and think that it would satisfy you. But that just leaves you with regret and a stinging of self-hate.

How terrible it actually feels to do bad things. And I do them anyway.

Maybe I did feel satisfied in the moment; but the cost of it was stuck to my hands now. It felt like my fingertips were dipped into a dirty, dark liquid. I have a higher status than them and used it to hit them and threaten them, like some abusive owner.

The me who's unloved by myself... I have no expectations of you liking her. So I might as well just do it on purpose; do things that would make you dislike me on purpose, instead of showing you my true self and risking hope. The hope that you'd accept me as I am. That's just troublesome. Hoping is troublesome.

That is why I will keep throwing tantrums with Avea, and it's why I am saying these words right now. Like a pathetic little child.

Whether this life or my past one, the more time I spent living, the further I felt myself losing the me I used to be.

Caeles was silent for a moment in surprise at my words, before he sighed and shook his head. I'm sure he was thinking, as expected of this psychotic girl. He must be thinking how despicable I am-

"Why is your back hunched like that?"

"Huh?" My thoughts were interrupted by Caeles saying something unexpected.