Thicker than Water (Marauders Era)

20 October, 1988 - Love (II)

"We need to talk."

"We do talk."

"No... We need to talk about... us."

"We do talk about us."

"Will you please stop making this difficult, Ethan?"

Ethan's mouth closed and a serious expression came over his features. Lavinia was glad. Or as glad as she could be while she felt like her heart might be breaking.

It had been two days since Lavinia had spoken to Remus. Two days since she'd said those words out loud for the first time since Sirius had left. Since she'd admitted that terrible truth.

I still love him.

Saying them out loud had felt... good. Like a weight she hadn't even noticed had been lifted on her shoulders. And that Remus hadn't condemned her, hadn't even seemed surprised... It had helped, somehow. Like he had given her permission not to be ashamed of herself for this. Like it was okay to still love him. Even after everything he'd done. Even after so many years.

She hadn't even noticed how much it had hurt to be denying that, to be constantly pretending and lying to everyone. Even herself. The next day, Lavinia hadn't said anything to Ethan only because they'd already had plans and she couldn't bring herself to ruin a good night as they'd wandered home from the movies and made cookies well past midnight simply because Ethan had wanted to. Peanut butter and chocolate chip. Peter's favorite, and, as it happened, Ethan's as well.

So today... dinner was finished. The dishes were done. And when Lavinia had seen him sitting waiting for her on the threadbare course, she'd known that it was time. That she had no excuses. That she needed to do this.

And now... now her heart was quailing and trying to hide behind her ribs and there was a lump in her throat that she had to swallow before she continued.

"I... I think we should end this," she managed, each word shoved out of her mouth through sheer force of will.

Ethna blinked at her. Once. Twice. A third time and then, "Did I do something?"

Her chest caved and she swore internally, wishing she had prepared better for this. She should have rehearsed, should have made herself consider what she would say when it really came down to it but every time she'd so much as though about what words would come out of her mouth, she'd shoved the idea away, rejected it and told herself she would figure it out later. Later later later. Later. And now she was standing here. And it was later. And she had nothing.

"No," she whispered. "No, never. You've been... you've been wonderful and incredible and... and I can't even explain everything you've done for me I just..." She shook her head and looked away, swallowing the choking sensation in her throat.

"You just what?" he asked, carefully, gently.

Lavinia turned back to him, to the face that was hurt and yet.. Yet gentle, like he was trying to make the best of even this.

"I just think... I just think that maybe... maybe this isn't the right thing for either of us. I think... I think I have too many secrets to do this properly and I think you deserve someone who will be... be better than I can be right now. I think I need some time and some space to sort my life out and I promise it's nothing you ever did and I... I really do... I..." She trailed off again, hating the understanding sort of expression on Ethan's face, hating herself for choking on the words she knew it wouldn't be fair to say.

I love you.

And she did. But it wasn't fair and the last thing she wanted was to be unfair to him for any longer than she already had been. Because whether or not she was right for him or he for her, he was good. He was so good. He had made the whole damn world brighter. He had lit up the darkness and showed her that for all that she'd convinced herself the dawn had already come, she'd just grown accustomed to seeing in the night and he had been the sun on the horizon. He had been good to her and for her and the memories of their times together... she would cherish them forever.