Lucky

42

When I got home from the restaurant I laid in bed and just stared at the ceiling, thinking about how much it hurt for Colby to not answer my call.

I had been ignoring him all this time, so I shouldn't be upset. I gave him every reason in the world to ignore me. I deserved it.

I didn't sleep at all that night.

I didn't get out of bed until about 10 minutes before I had to leave for work. I felt numb as I walked to the closet and put on my scrubs. I didn't think I was in any place to be helping other people with their health but I had to make money.

I looked in the mirror and sniffled as I pulled my hair into a ponytail. I usually didn't mother with makeup, but I had to put some on today because I looked certifiably insane with how dark the bags under my eyes were.

I brushed my teeth then grabbed my bad and slowly walked to the car.

I didn't usually worry about myself, because I always had a distraction. I had someone with me to keep my mind off of my own thoughts, but being abandoned this past month had me going insane.

I felt ridiculous because this all stemmed from a guy, and I promised myself I would never let that happen. This guy though...he turned my life upside down. Colby was the one person I have ever felt safe around.

Colby was the one person I have given my heart to. He still had it, but he had thrown it to the side, letting it break against the floor.

I wiped my cheeks then walked into the building so I could clock in and get to work.

I walked towards Rachel's office so I could get my assignments for the day but she wasn't in there. This usually wouldn't bother me, but today I started to tear up.

I sat down in one of the chairs and started crying like a baby. I hated feeling so absolutely ridiculous but I was at the lowest point in my life.

I was allowed to cry.

"Hey, Violet...oh my god? Are you crying?" Rachel asked as I looked up at her and nodded. "Hey...shhh...I don't know what's going on but it's okay. Do you need to talk about it?" She asked as I nodded.

"Okay, let me just get Ryan to cover for you, okay?" She asked as I nodded. She typed something into her pager that sat across from me. "What's going on?" She asked as I shook my head.

"Everything fell apart. My life is in shambles and I...I can't do it anymore." I cried out as I laid my head on the desk, sobbing. "Hey, it's okay Violet. Let me help you." She said as I shook my head.

"I don't think you can. I'm broken beyond repair." I whispered and wiped my cheeks. "Violet, I've never seen you like this..I've never even seen you cry. What's going on?" She asked as I took a deep breath.

I explained everything to her. Every single detail and how I've been feeling abandoned and burnt out and lost. I told her about how I wasn't sleeping, how I was barely eating, and how I would turn to drugs and alcohol to just numb the pain for a little while.

She listened intently to every word I said as I just sobbed and hugged myself, praying that it would give me comfort.

She just smiled softly at me when I finished. I knew I probably shouldn't have told my boss about how my life is a complete disaster but she was like a mother to me.

She wasn't much older than I was but she had a motherly vibe to her. Like if you fuck with one of her employees she will fuck with you.

I remember one time I was doing a scan on this old man and he screamed at me because he thought I read his scan wrong. He kept yelling that he wanted a man to do it and that I was useless. Rachel came in and essentially kicked him out for treating me like that.

She didn't care that she got in trouble for it, because she just wanted to protect the people on her staff. That's why she was such a good boss.

"Violet, I think you're so strong. It sounds like this month has been extremely difficult for you, but you haven't really shown that in your work. You're allowed to crack every once in a while. It's okay." She said and reached over to take my hand.

"I'm sorry. This is totally inappropriate." I said and sniffled. "Ya know, since you started working here I knew you were a hard worker. I also thought you were a robot." She said causing me to laugh a watery laugh.

"You've never shown an ounce of emotion, other than happiness. You're allowed to be sad sometimes, you're allowed to come to me if you're going through something. It's okay to not be okay." Rachel said as I nodded.

"Thank you." I said then wiped my hands on my pants. "You're welcome. Are you going to be okay?" She asked as I nodded. "Yeah, I feel a little better." I said then stood up.

"Take a minute, I'm gonna go talk to Ryan to see where I need you to start today." She said then left the room as I nodded.

It felt like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I had talked to so many people about what's been going on, but telling Rachel felt different.

It made me realize how important it is to have a mom.

I grabbed a tissue and cleaned myself up so I could get to work. I still felt like my heart wasn't in my body anymore but I was at least not crying anymore.

Rachel came back into the room then handed me a clipboard. "Okay, I'll have you in zone 3 as a nurse assistant. We'll page you for any echo scans. You've got this, girl." She said then gave me a side hug. "Thank you." I whispered then left the room.

It felt good being able to distract my mind by working. It was a pretty busy day at the ER so I was able to really take my mind off of the disaster that was my life.

"How are you holding up, Vi?" Ryan asked as I stopped to get a drink of water. "I'm okay. Hanging in there." I said with a smile and took a sip of water.

"That's good, let me know if you need anything." He said then patted my back and left the room. I smiled slightly then put my water bottle away and went back out onto the floor.

I started walking towards the left wing where my equipment was when one of the nurses came running up to me, "Hey, Vi! Can you help me with stitches?" She asked as I nodded. "Yeah, sure." I said and shrugged.

I wasn't quite sure why she was asking me to help her with something that has done thousands of times but I didn't question it and went to help her.

When we got into the room I was expecting it to be a huge injury, but it was just a small patch up, which only confused me more. The nurse, Stacey, has been a nurse for years..she didn't need me to help her with this.

About halfway through though I got a page from Rachel, "Hey, I just got paged to do an echo, are you gonna be okay?" I asked as she nodded. "Yep! Have fun." She said as I pulled my gloves off.

I washed my hands then went to get my equipment, then started walking to the room. When I got in there I grabbed the chart so I could see what I was working with.

"Hey, I'm Violet, I'm gonna be doing y-" I said and looked up only to gasp at who I saw.

"Hey, Vi."