Thomas and Niko in the City of Trees

Chapter 15 - Part 2

We kept referring to it as a plan. Our plan to tell the girls—as if we had outlined some kind of procedure with multiple steps and safety nets and all that. Leading up to all this, I had gone so far as to envision us meeting up afterwards to debrief. But the crazy thing is, right now, he's the last person on earth I want to see. This moment in time, it doesn't involve him. What just went down was about Lexie and me—no one else. And guess what? Now she's gone, and she might never talk to me again. I've never felt this guilty in my whole life. Maybe some part of me was holding on to the tiny sliver of a chance that she would somehow take it in stride. Looking back now, I know that was impossible.

I have no idea where the hell I'm going. I'm exhausted. My backpack is sweaty against my back. Don't ask me why, but I just don't want to go home. So you know where I go? I go back to those stupid balloons she pointed out. I walk all the way back to Ann Morrison park, which takes over an hour, and by the time I get there, they've mostly all landed and are deflated and being packed away. It's a pretty big park, so I wander for a while toward its center, and I find a big tree with no one around, and I lie under it and go to sleep.

I wake up hours later with one strap of my backpack hooked around my arm. I mean it when I say I slept for hours. I got settled underneath this oak tree around one, and now my phone says it's after four. I have two texts from Thomas. One says, "It's done. Feeling pretty low. Not sure I want to talk right now. Just want to be alone." I can't tell you how relieved I am after reading it. Normally I wouldn't be, it's just that I had been feeling the exact same thing. The second text was sent ten minutes later, and it says, "Just let me know you're okay." He sent them almost two hours ago.

"I'm okay," I reply.

I promise you, I don't feel sorry for myself. Not even a little. I take full responsibility for every decision I've made that has led me to this point. Because that's exactly what they were—my decisions to make. But being able to acknowledge it doesn't help me feel any less alone.

Then I hear a voice. I look up, and you can throw me in the goddamn insane asylum if Owen isn't walking right towards me. "What are you doing under that tree, Savic?" he says.

I stand and brush myself off. "Not a lot," I say. "What are you doing here?" I'm trying to act casual. Boise's not a big city by any stretch, but you don't exactly expect to see people you know around every corner.

"My family's over there." He points behind him to some people gathered at the edge of a pond. "We come here on Sundays a lot, after church." He's just looking me up and down for a second. "Wow, dude. You still smell like the campfire."

Give me any of the other guys from school, and they would probably leave well enough alone. But that's just not how Owen operates. He's got this look on his face like he's trying to hide his concern. I know that look right when I see it.

"Whats going on, man?" he says. He's laying the words down carefully, which has me feeling a little self-conscious. I'm sure he's dead-on about that campfire smell, not to mention all the other smells associated with sleeping outside and walking for miles and not taking a shower.

"Didn't feel like going home," I say.

"Everything okay?" he says. "You're not looking too good."

Somebody should give him a medal for getting right to the fucking heart of the matter. I take one look at him, and I'm starting to feel pretty bold about the whole thing. There's very little I have left to lose at this point. "Not really," I say.

"Let's talk about it then."

Jesus Christ, he doesn't miss a beat. "I'm not sure you want to hear about it."

"Of course I do."

I'll say it again: There's nothing to lose. Might as well lay it all down. So I take a breath and I say, "Thomas and I have been hooking up for about a month now. We finally told the girls today."

He takes a step or two back, he's so goddamn surprised. "You and Tommy Chu? Are you kidding me?"

"No."

"Come on, man, you've got to be kidding."

I just look at him. I'm pretty sure I look sad, and tired, and not at all in the mood to crack jokes.

I watch his face change. "Well, at least you told them. Didn't go on lying to them like some people would."

"Yeah."

"I'm not saying what happened was totally okay—if you think about it from the girls' perspective, I mean."

"I know."

"That's actually some messed up shit."

Just saying that alone, he's really got me plunging back into the guilt and shame of it all. It's what I deserve. "I know," I repeat. The whole moment feels surreal to me. I'm still not quite convinced I'm talking to Owen about this. And would you believe it if I said he's getting this huge grin on his face? I'm not sure I believe it, and I'm standing right in front of him. I can't imagine what has him smiling like that.

"You know there were rumors about you two," he says. "Don't worry, I didn't believe any of them."

I'm looking at the ground. "Maybe you should have."

I kid you not, his laugh sends about a dozen nearby geese honking and flying up into the air. "Now that's funny, dude. You know I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to. You guys have always had that way of acting around each other—like you know all each other's secrets. It's goals, for sure."

"Shut up."

"I mean it, dude."

We both look at each other, then away. "Well," I say, "I wish we would've figured it out earlier."

"Just wasn't meant to be," he says. "As fucked up as it is, I'm sure the girls will forgive you one day."

"I hope so." I sit down with my back against the tree trunk. "Shouldn't you be with your family?"

Owen shrugs. "They're tired of me." He sits down in the grass. "Hey, so you know David's gay, right?"

"No," I say. David is his older brother. Honestly, I was wondering how the hell he was being so casual about all this. I know plenty of guys from school who would've turned and walked away the second the words came out of my mouth.

"Well he is. He's not exactly wide-open about it, but he doesn't mind if people know."

I nod. I'm looking out at fountain in the distance. It's shooting water thirty feet in the air, and there's kind of a prism effect going on in the mist.

Owen grabs my knee and shakes it. "So when can we expect some little Thomases and Nikos running around, huh? Half babies can be real cute, if you didn't know."

"Shut up, dude," I say. "It's not like that."

"Oh yeah? What's it like, then?"

"I don't have fucking clue, man," I say. "He doesn't either."

"Well my money's on you guys figuring it out. Any day of the week."

"Don't be so confident."

He doesn't say anything right away. I can't seem to tear my eyes away from that stupid fountain, and for a while he's staring at it too. He's probably trying to figure out what I find so goddamn fascinating about it.

"Hey, man," he says. "Thanks for telling me."

I look at him. "Sure."

"I know we were never that close in school. I always thought we could've been."

"Me too," I say. Maybe it's the truth, or maybe I'm just telling him what he wants to hear.

"I'm sure you'll figure this out. You're the guy who always figures it out. Everyone knows that about you. And, uh," he pauses. "Well, I think I speak for the rest of the guys when I say we're all expecting big things from you."

It's such an absurd thing, what he just told me. But I've reached a point now where nothing can faze me. Not one thing. So I just look at him and say, "I'll try not to disappoint anyone."