i think i love you • matthew healy

21. teeth

"are you awake?"

i don't even remember falling asleep. matty's sat right next to me, clutching an acoustic guitar in his bare chest before putting it down gently on the floor.

"i just got off the phone with hann, he's inviting us for brunch." i don't know if it's because i'm half-asleep that i think matty's just bluffing for saying us.

"you mean you and the guys." i groan while i groggily reach for his pack of half-empty cigarettes on the wooden bedside table, covering my chest with his duvet as if he hasn't seen me in my bra before.

i hear matty chuckle beside me. "he called you first, apparently, but i suppose your phone's dead."

oh god. i wonder if alice made any phone calls. i haven't gone home in 2 days.

"i was thinking of something last night. and this morning." he says, a bit hesitantly, while his fingers begin to run through my tousled hair, massaging my scalp gently.

when are you ever not thinking? i think to myself as i light up a stick in between my teeth.

"tell me." i reply, wanting to fall back asleep with what he's doing.

his lips crawls to my neck, gently nibbling on the sensitive skin behind my ear. "i was thinking of running away with you."

can't wait to see you tomorrow. i love you baby. can't wait to see you tomorrow baby. where are you taking me for dinner?

i chuckle nervously. "are you high?"

just like that, his soft lips are no longer on my skin.

"i mean," i sigh, "you're going on tour, and—"

and you've got a girlfriend.

"forget i said anything." i start peeling the tiny bit of loose skin hanging on my thumb. a bit of blood begins to come out. i wince. "i know you're just trying to... say something that sounds nice. impossible and nice."

i feel like i just ruined the whole entire day.

"i should stop talking." i mumble, because he's been studying me for the past few seconds. "stop looking at me like that, matty. you're making me uncomfortable."

"i'm not high, rhiannon." he finally says, frowning at me. looking hurt that i said something like that.

i sigh. "okay. sorry."

it's like the more i let myself talk the more i'm making everything worse.

matty falls back on the bed next to me, and we both start staring at his bare ceiling, which i find to be taller than any other less-expensive flats i've been to. i guess you could say wealth is measured by the length of your ceiling.

i pass my cigarette to him after a drag, watching him as he clenches his jaw and exhales the smoke like nothing. it's scary how much we smoke.

"i wish we could do that." i say, my fingertips grazing lightly against the tattoos on his arm, tracing the outlines of the cartoon-like dragon that makes up his newcastle tattoo. i sigh deeply. "run away, i mean."

matty smiles softly.

"you could get a drastic haircut, too, like i did." i whisper, running my fingers through his thick curly hair which looks like a mop sitting on top of his head. "maybe shave most of that off. and get your hair dyed, matty! how does blond sound?"

"i was thinking of green." he replies with his eyes shining, not to my surprise.

i roll my eyes. "okay. green." i start to imagine matty with green hair, but i shake the image off my mind almost immediately. "then we could take the train. just leave everything behind. maybe bring your guitar... and a book."

i close my eyes.

"then we'll go rent a tiny house somewhere."

"by the beach." matty interrupts.

"okay. by the beach. and i could maybe get a job as a waitress. then we could buy a dog. maybe two dogs. how about three?"

i open my eyes. matty's looking at me, and the way he's looking at me makes me want to pack my bags and just leave everything behind with him.

"you..." he mumbles quietly, observing me again like it's the first time. "i'm so fucking in love with you."

he says it with a frown on his face, like he's upset that the things i'd just said could never be real, not in this lifetime.

maybe in the next.

just not here, in matty's smoke-filled bedroom with the tall ceilings and the band shows and the music and the constant pressure to be seen and paid attention to.

time is cruel, i think to myself. and i'm a little late to be showing up to ruin his party.

and maybe we're a little late to adam's too.

—

matty and i had shown up a couple minutes late to adam's flat, which he shares with his beautiful girlfriend emily.

it's a bit upsetting to be walking next to him without holding his hand.

ross had arrived with john since they share a flat together a few blocks away, and george apparently had to cancel at the last minute, much to my relief. i don't think i could see him right now to be honest.

after our brunch i offer to help emily as she starts cleaning in the kitchen, because the guys were watching a football game on television. typical.

"so, how long have you and matty been dating?" she asks rather excitedly while i'm rearranging the tulips in their opaque glass vase.

i glance at matty who's sat in the living area with the rest of the guys while they're having a beer.

"we're not together, actually." i answer, smiling a little too politely. "he's—he's got a girlfriend. i'm just friends with the guys."

emily nods enthusiastically. she's got bright green eyes hiding behind her fringe, and the way she puts herself together makes her look like a walking ray of sunshine.

i honestly find it strange that she's a complete opposite of adam, who's pretty much quiet and reserved.

"that's funny." she says, placing the pastel plates in the sink. "i catch him whenever he looks at you. it's like you're the love of his life or something."

i chuckle, turning my attention to the pink and white flowers.

"yeah, not really."

a/n: i love writing this chapter :( also... i cried when matty went on instagram to sing be my mistake. i hope he's okay, and i hope you are too. Xx