Thicker than Water (Marauders Era)

24 June, 1994 - Remember (II)

It was well past midnight when Heather knocked on the door of Ethan's apartment to bring Jasmine home. Lavinia had barely left her house by the sea when she'd realized that Heather would be looking for Jasmine there and that simply wouldn't do. No one could be allowed into that house just in case Sirius was still there because the wanted posters were everywhere and... well. She didn't want to have to explain any of it, selfish though she knew that was.

So she'd aparated to town, gotten a bit of paper and a pen from a barista at the coffee shop on mainstreet because she wouldn't be able to explain to Ethan how she'd managed to get across the hills and back in the span of a few minutes, and written a quick note informing Heather that she and Jasmine were at Ethans. Then Lavinia had returned to the house and stuck the note to the front door with a wave of her wand. She might have sent an owl, too, just to be safe, but as hers was currently halfway to France, delivering a letter to Kama and Miriam, who were on vacation there, it wasn't exactly feasible. Besides, she would have had to go back into the house to get the bird and... well. She didn't want to do that at all.

Thankfully, however, it wasn't at all out of the ordinary for Lavinia and Jasmine to end up at Ethan's so she didn't suppose it would raise any suspicions from Heather. Indeed, the young woman didn't ask any questions when she arrived at Ethan's door and didn't seem to notice that Lavinia's heart wasn't really in it when she reminded her friend for the hundredth time that Jasmine was more than welcome to stay the night and Heather needn't worry about picking her up if things went late.

Once Heather was gone with the girl, Lavinia dropped down onto the couch with a long sigh, dropping any pretense of normality she'd maintained for Jasmine's sake as she covered her eyes with her hands. A few moments later she felt the couch depress next to her and knew Ethan must have sat down too, but Lavinia didn't move. She was so tired. And with Jasmine now gone... all the guilty thoughts that had been sparked by that disaster of a conversation with Sirius rose up again and she didn't know what to do with them.

It wasn't like they were new. She knew she was awful for not saying anything to help Sirius, knew she was awful for keeping the information from Remus, for not condemning Peter, for giving Harry away, for so many many things. But knowing it didn't make it any easier to deal with, didn't make it sting any less to be reminded of it. And Merlin, did it sting.

It was like being back there again, in those days when everything had gone to hell and the words had danced circles around her head until she'd wished she could drown herself just to shut them up.

Remember I love you.

Her fault.

I don't want him.

Over and over and over again and the truth was that Sirius was right, at least about some of it. Harry should have been the one by her side. Even if he couldn't live here, he should have known who she was, should have known her as someone safe, someone he could trust. Because she should never have spoken those words.

I don't want him.

Not that it meant Jasmine shouldn't also be by her side but... But Harry should have been there. Should have known her. Because she should have wanted him.

And Sirius was also right that she had forgiven Peter far more easily than him and... and it didn't make sense. It didn't make any sense at all. Except... except Peter had never made her any promises. And Peter, she understood. There was very little in the world that fear couldn't make a person do. And Peter, like her, had always had a coward's heart. Peter, like her, would have sold the whole damn world just to know that the people he loved were safe. So he had. He had sold James and Lily and Lavinia didn't think for a moment that her friend hadn't gotten something else in return. She could only wonder, really, who it was he had bargained for. Who it was he had tried to save. Who he had still counted among his friend when it seemed like all of them had walked away.