The Burning Desire

Chapter 34

"Xanley, do you want to visit Philippines?" His forehead turned into a frown.

I have thought about coming back to the Philippines for a while now, since I saw the letter from Xanley's bag.

Kendall is right. I can not just let Xanley to grow up without knowing his father. What I am doing right now is not for me but for my son.

I cannot abandon the country I grew up with. Kung itatapon ko man ang mga ala-ala ko doon ay parang pinatay ko na din sa aking isipan ang mga naiwan kong pinsan at kaibigan sa Pilipinas.

Maybe remembering is much better to heal all of my wound. Running away will never be a solution.

I do not care anymore if this decision will make me feel pain again. What's important is that Xanley will grow up with his father.

Hindi ko din naman pwedeng itago habang buhay si Xanley sa kaniyang Ama. I know that time will come wherein they would meet at ayokong kamuhian ako ni Xanley dahil sa hindi ko siya ipinakilala sa kaniyang Ama.

I have a father who helped me grow before and even now, the reason why I do not know how it feels to not meet your father. But one thing is for sure, that feels shitty.

Pero paano kung mayroon ng pamilya si Jordan sa Pilipinas? Kahit na sabihin natin na maaaring hindi siya ang ama ng anak ni Jane, hindi ko pa din masisiguro na wala siyang karelasyon ngayon o maaaring asawa.

He is of age too. Karamihan sa mga kilala ko na nasa ganitong edad ay kasal na at mayroon ng pamilya. It is very hard to think that he is not in a relationship right now.

Paano kung mayroon nga siyang karelasyon? Let's say a girlfriend. I do not want my son to get maltreated katulad ng mga napapanood ko sa pelikula.

A lot of what 'if's' started to flood my mind.

Paano kung ayaw pala ni Jordan sa kaniya? But that can't be the case. Jordan and I may have a bitter past but I know that he is better than that, he is not the type who turns back on their responsibilities, especially as big as this one.

Jordan maybe an ass but I know that he respects responsibilities.

What if he get furious? I've kept Xanley with me for five years. Ni-hindi nga niya alam na mayroon siyang anak o na nabuntis niya ako. Knowing how rich he is, he can file to get the full custody of Xanley. But I am confident that he will not be able to get Xanley away from me. Especially with my family's background.

"P-philippines? To lolo and lola?" Nakaawang ang kaniyang bibig habang binibigkas ito.

Mukhang hindi siya makapaniwala sa sinabi ko. Ni-minsan kasi ay hindi ko pa nababanggit sa kaniya ang pagbalik o pagpunta ng Pilipinas.

Xanley never mention about it too. Ang lagi lang niyang sinasabi sa akin ay gusto niyang makasama ang mga Tito at Tita niya.

"Yes, to your lolo and lola. Do you want that?"

Kumurap siya ng ilang beses. Matapos ang ialng minuto ay lumaki ang kaniyang ngiti na nawala din naman agad.

"Why what is wrong?" Nag-aalala kong tanong sa kaniya.

"How about you Mama? D-do you want to go to the Philippines?" Ngayon ay ako naman ang umawang ang bibig.

I can not answer No to my son. His smile went full earlier. Alam ko na masaya siya dahil nabanggit ko ito at ayoko naman iyong kuhanin.

My son's welfare always comes first before anything else.

"Of course! We'll visit a lot of place there! You will be able to play with your cousins!" Pinasaya ko ang boses ko.