estrange ✶ huening kai

nine.

TW: mentions of suic*de
and bullying. i advise you
to skip this chapter if that
will make you uncomfortable.
i would also like to say that
while things can be hard
sometimes, so hard that you
can't even think of a way out,
suic*de is a permanent
solution to a temporary
problem. as much as you
most likely hate hearing this,
things will get better. and
until they do, i will be here
for you. my messages are
always open. i love you,
and keep being strong.

"choi soobin, purple hair, super tall, dimples, eye smile," were the words sora kept repeating to herself as she entered the library. "tall, purple hair-"

spotting someone across the library who seemed to match the description, sora eagerly walked towards them, before suddenly stopping in her tracks.

"i need a plan.. i can't just blatantly walk up to him."

sighing softly, sora slowly continued towards him, her demeanor calm yet her insides panicking.

"uh, excuse me?" as soon as he turned around, sora immediately felt herself step back due to his intimidating looks.

"yes?" he asked, offering her a gentle smile.

feeling her nerves ease only slightly because his friendly tone, she asked, "are you choi soobin?" when he nodded, she blew out a breath before continuing, "this is going to sound odd.. but do you happen to know of a boy who had hanahaki a few years ago?"

his smile slipping for a second, sora could see a look of sadness flash through his eyes. "ah.. choi yeonjun."

"i was hoping you'd be able to tell me about him, but only if you're comfortable with doing so."

"why do you want to know about him?" soobin asked, and not at all in a rude way. he genuinely wanted to know why she was randomly curious about someone she probably has no relations to.

looking down at her folded hands, sora spoke without making eye contact, "well.. it's because i have it too."

blinking, soobin slowly nodded after a few seconds. "i see. what do you wanna know, then?"

looking up again, sora could feel the corners of her lips tug into a grateful smile. as she took a seat across from him, she blurted out her first question, "what happened to him?"

"you really don't know?"

she shook her head again, her eyes big as she waited to hear his answer. her heart beat in her chest, as she felt that his answer would determine her own future as well.

"he committed suicide."

and just like that, she felt her hope dwindle away; as if soobin's words were the the quick breath that blew out the dying flame on a candle wick. her candle wick.

looking down at his watch, soobin sighed softly, "i have to go. if you're able to, i can meet you here again next week at the same time?"

sora only nodded, watching as he left the library in a hurry.

not long after he was gone, sora found herself trudging out the doors of the library.

he's.. dead.

she had a feeling that was the outcome of the story. but she hoped her feeling was wrong.

sora guessed that that was where hope would always lead her: to disappointment.

unlocking her front door after around ten minutes of walking home, sora entered the house, "i'm home."

"i'm in here," her mom announced from the kitchen.

sora entered the room, which smelled of miyeokguk. "what's the occasion?"

"it's your father's birthday," her mother reminded, "he loves my seaweed soup."

"but he's not even here. he doesn't get back from his business trip until next month, right?"

sora's mother nodded, "i just wanted an excuse to make it. i've been craving this soup lately, and my birthday isn't for awhile."

sora nodded, taking a seat at the counter. perching her chin in the palms of her hands, sora watched her mother cook. contemplating her next words, sora continued to stare at her mom, not realizing that she had noticed.

"go on."

"hm?"

"you've got something to say, don't you?" her mom smiled knowingly, as she dished up a bowl for sora.

"ah, do you know anything about the disease 'hanahaki'?"

her mother nodded, "hanahaki is truly a harsh disease. i feel bad for anyone who has it. it's not easy to love by yourself." setting the bowl in front of sora, her mother also slid a glass of water with it, "why do you ask?"

"uh," she bit her lip before continuing, "a boy at my school has it, so i was just wondering."

"i see," her mom nodded, then gestured to the bowl, "eat up, and tell me how it tastes."

nodding, sora took a spoonful and shoved it into her mouth, thankful that her mom hadn't picked up on her obvious lie. nodding with a forced smile, sora said, "yum. thank you for the meal!" then continued to shove food in her mouth so she could avoid talking again.

did she feel bad for lying? of course she did. who enjoys lying to their parent? but she felt she had no choice. it was either tell her mom, who already is taking care of her sick grandfather while her husband is in japan on a two month business trip, or make her life easier by not mentioning it until the time is right.

but would there ever be a right time?