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Episode 13: pREttY

CHARLOTTE and Ricky dropped me off back to my apartment after shopping. Before they left we decided I should wear the black pencil skirt to work the next day, now here we are. I put it on this morning and took a look at myself in front of the mirror.

My stomach was flat. In the black pencil skirt my stomach looked flat, I couldn't believe it. It was all I had ever wanted since I was a teenager but still, I didn't like what I saw.

I don't know why but I was just realizing for the first time that it didn't matter what I looked like, I was never gonna be okay with myself. Not that I didn't want to, how does one even learn to love themselves? I didn't know what it felt like to even like myself. To see anything but disappointment.

Deep feelings of inadequacy overtook my mind as my thoughts grew darker. Maybe it wasn't my body maybe it's everything, maybe I was just ugly and no amount of weight loss and new clothes would change that.

Maybe I should do my hair. Put some makeup on, do the whole thing.

Jesus, what did Marcus see in me? Was it pity? Was it a big joke? Did I imagine what happened in the bathroom? No way in hell did Marcus Dane lust after me, I mean seriously.

I picked up the straightener and plugged it in. Today was my first day back. I was ready to showcase everything I had been working towards. In my head I was prepared for a big movie like transformation that would fix everything I had wrong me but now I realize how ridiculous that is.

I wasn't Anne Hathaway in the Princess Diaries, I don't know why I expected to be.

Expectations fall flat, that's why for now I wasn't going to have any.

-

It was a windy day in New York. The sky was gloomy, clouds dark and heavy. I was staring at the sky through the windows of the taxi I caught. It seemed like it was about to rain.

Fuck, my hair. I just hope it starts after I get to work.

The one day I decide to straighten my hair. Of course.

I stepped out of the taxi onto the curb in front of my office building. Right on Wall Street, it towered high above the ground. It was a huge building surrounded by other huge buildings. Not being from New York City still made the skyscrapers look a bit unsettling, the way they seemed to watch you. The tall glass panes seemed like big wide eyes looking down on the people in the streets, judging them. Trying to see what building they might enter.

I watched a young man, around my age enter the JP Morgan Chase bank building. He walked with ease, gliding across the pavement in a Valentino suit, dark brown briefcase. A clean hair cut and gorgeous face. I could tell he made a lot of money. I could tell he felt important, like he belonged here.

He didn't stick out, he wasn't on edge. It was them that belonged here, not me. These spaces weren't built for people like me so it felt wrong being here at times.

I rushed and entered JP Morgan Chase bank building. The front of the building had four big doors, people were always coming in and out of the building, not so much right now, it was a bit too early. My hedge fund was independent but took up offices at JP Morgan Chase because we handled there entire fund. We were there primary investment group.

They had major contacts with us for a long time. Mr. Hill had deep roots in Wall Street, he did so by being one of the best.

I swiped my key card after walking through the doors then made my way to the elevators. I pressed the little ninety-seven button and it glowed. The doors shut and the elevator zoomed. I blinked, my lashes felt sticky. The mascara was already starting to bother me.

When the doors finally opened I stepped out and made my way down the hallway.

Stinefield Hedge Investments

The tiny black italics lettering printed on the glass doors greeted me. Finally back to work.

After turning ok the lights I walked over to my desk and sat myself down.

I had so much work to do. I was hoping the fresh water reserve was still up for grabs. My office phone had a bunch of messages waiting for me, mainly people calling in to offer trade deals. Marcus must have caused a ripple in our stock price while he was in LA.

The office was empty, not even Mr. Hill was here yet.

Sliding off my blazer I got comfortable at my desk but I  felt eyes on me. I looked up and almost jumped in my chair. Marcus was standing in the break room doorway  leaning on the frame holding a cup of coffee. When I met his eyes they were already piercing at me.

"Good Morning," I said. I could see he furrowed his eyebrows at me instead of responding. It seemed like he was too busy thinking instead of hearing what I had to say.

He pushed off the wall and made his way over to me, long legs stalking across the stale carpet.

"Lora?" He said. "Good morning, Marcus," I batted my eye lashes. His eyes darted all over my face taking it into detail. It was quiet so I decided to break the tension. "Why are you here so early?" I asked. Marcus stepped foreword and reached for my chin. He gently moved my head around to get a good look at me.

"So this is how you want the world to see you?" He asked. I thought for moment, "I don't know. I just want to be pretty," I said. He stepped back to give me a once over. Marcus rested on the desk while sipping his black coffee, never taking his eyes off me.

"Who told you that you weren't pretty?" He asked sipping his coffee. I rolled my eyes, "You don't have to be nice about everything Marcus," I said. He crossed his arms.

"I thought we settled this the other day in front of the mirror," He said. My lower belly erupted into butterflies. I decided to ignore him and continued settling into my desk. His eyes continued to watch me, eyes trailing the pencil skirt.

"Do you have a problem with the way I look today?" I asked. Marcus smiled, licking his bottom lip. He stood up off of the desk and looked down at me.

Then we heard the door open, before I knew what I was doing I had jumped away from Marcus. "Oh! Good morning," Mr. Hill said. "That's just perfect, I have California waiting on the line, they called me this morning. I need you in my office Marcus," He said.

Marcus dropped his shoulders and sighed. He made his way over to Mr. Hills office.

I tried to slow down my breath but my heart was still beating fast. I straightened myself out and sat down at my desk. I could finally get back to work.