BAD BOY ABUSED (male pov)

#68 Just tell her Liam.

"I'm sorry." She said with a nervous tone to her voice.

She thinks this is her fault.

"You're not the problem Liv, I am. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm so damaged. I wish I wasn't." I clutched my hand tighter, wanting to feel the physical pain stronger than the emotional pain but somehow my plan failed.

"Liam, don't you see? What just happened then... it was progress."

Pushing my shame aside I finally plucked up enough courage to look at her, wanting further clarification as to why that was progress. I was a train wreck, a hot mess, how is that progress?

"Last night you wouldn't even sleep next to me incase my skin touched yours, today you were practically shirtless on top of my bare skin. I took it too far with my hand, but what just happened... it was pretty intimate and you did okay."

"Really?" the doubt was evident in my tone. I didn't do okay, I was freaking out inside but she doesn't know that. But then maybe I did do okay because I lasted longer, I tried.

"I just... I want it so much but there's this block that stops me and I don't want you to feel like I'm rejecting you because I'm not. I'm rejecting the intimacy because I can't handle it." I tried to explain my thought process but I don't think she could ever truly understand.

"I know, you don't have to explain it to me, I understand." She placed her arm around my shoulder, slowly in order to prepare me for the movement. I accepted her comfort gladly.

You need to tell her Liam. Just be honest.

"Liv?"

"Yeah?"

"I want to be the one who takes your virginity but I know you said you're ready and I also know I'm not. That is really embarrassing for me to say because of my track record and you being the virgin but when we do it, I want it to be different from all of the other times and right now, that's not an option for me. Will you wait?"

Thankfully she didn't leave me sitting in suspense long.

"Liam I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else, there's no rush, no pressure. We'll just see how things go." Her promise made my shoulders relax and allowed me to breathe a little easier. 

"You looked hot, keep that pair. The pastel green goes really well with your tanned complexion and it illuminates your eyes." I smiled at her boyishly and hoped my compliment was enough to lighten the mood. Things eased a little but I was just pleased to see that beautiful blush creep across her face.

"Where are we going next?" She asked.

I pulled out the next envelope with dread, this isn't how I thought the first date would go down and I was honestly a little scared about what was in store for us next. 

"You must be feeling on top of the world from that experience, so let's go somewhere that mimics that. Maybe not on top of the world but definitely on top of the town. Go to the highest point in town and look down at the city lights. This is your moment to share all of your best kept secrets and leave them up there when you descend back down." 

"Wow, we really don't tell our friends anything, do we." Olivia chuckled.

"Nope." I said with laughter, but really there was one secret Olivia didn't know about me and this was the perfect time to tell her.

***

We got pizza from the local pizza joint and posed with our slices to send to Jordan and Tia since they told us not to get pizza on our date. I didn't see the fascination with the view of city lights from a great height. I went through a phase in my early years of high school of coming here just to look out at the twinkling buildings but I would just imagine the happy families that lived inside the well lit homes. I imagined them having family dinners, playing board games or just sitting warm by the fire. The more I came the more it upset me so I just stopped coming and haven't been back since. 

Now I'm looking out at the same view with a different mind, I'm looking at the lights thinking how one day that's going to be me. Sitting by the fire with my happy family, playing board games and enjoying family dinners. One day I'm going to have that and it will be the greatest day of my life.

"What's your secret then?" Olivia interrupted my thoughts.

I wiped the BBQ sauce from the corner of my lips "I don't really have secrets, I'm an open book." I replied sarcastically, causing us both to break the silence of the night air with laughter.

"Hey, when I watch your games I notice little things you players do before passing the ball to each other. Like you'll scratch your nose or wipe sweat from your head. Is it a coincidence or is it some kind of secret code?" She asked with burning curiosity behind her jade green eyes.

"Liv! I might share with you all of my secrets, but if I dared utter the secrets of the team then I would have to kill you." Wow, she must really pay attention if she's cracked the team's secret tricks. "I got into Stanford, full ride." I threw in as an afterthought. I completely forgot about the acceptance email I received earlier, baffling how something so central in my life takes a back seat whenever I'm around Olivia because she is always my number one priority.

"What! Liam! That's great! I'm so proud of you!" She squealed in response.

"Thanks." I said casually, trying to remain modest but inside I was beaming at the chance to escape.

We sat in silence for a while, looking out towards the twinkling lights as we finished off the remaining slices of pizza. I tried to count how many lights I could see as I rehearsed three simple words in my head over and over.

Just tell her Liam.

"I have a secret." I announced before I could talk myself out of it.

"Okay..." She said still looking out at the view. I wiped away the clamminess of my palms on my jeans before continuing.

"At the lock in, when I said I was falling for you... I lied." 

Her head spun around to face me so fast that she almost knocked herself out with the backlash of her own hair. Her emerald eyes focused on me as she read my thoughts in a pure panic.

"I'm not falling for you, I've fallen." I admitted, calming her rage instantly.

She said nothing but her mouth fell open slightly and she blinked blanky as she absorbed my words.

"I love you Olivia. I think deep down I always have but being around you again has heightened those feelings. You're the first person I think of when I wake up and the last person I think of before I go to sleep. You make me feel safe, wanted, loved. I love you so much it hurts when I can't be close with you." I poured my heart out as she sat silently, listening to every syllable I said. I didn't need her to say it back, I didn't need her to feel it back. Not yet. I just needed her to know.

"Liam...I love you too."  She whispered taking me completely by surprise.

"You do?"  

"Of course I do." 

I couldn't fight the urge to kiss her again, laying her back gently on the rocks I hovered my body over hers, this time safely fully clothed and pressed my lips against hers, letting the collision of our kiss outpour all of the emotions we felt for one another. 

I was in love with her and she was in love with me.