prologue //

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I had woken up with a start, or more precisely, I had woken up from a nightmare I could no longer recall. The small bits of whatever had happened from within my dreams vanished in an instant.

What was that? I no longer had an idea, but I could still feel the lingering emotions. The fear that had been tightly gripping my heart, the anger that seemed to not disappear despite having nothing to be angry about, and the bitter tears of sorrow that had left its trace on my utterly confused face.

Beads of sweat trickled down my forehead, my eyebrows scrunching up together as I tried to figure out what had just happened. My heart was thumping erratically inside of my chest, it was faster than normal, the sound becoming more thunderous as it rang in my ears. I need to calm myself. I tried to steady my breath, once my breath and heartbeat were ate a reasonable pace, I decided to examine the room I had found myself in.

There were no decorations, just a single bed with a nightstand, holding only a single lamp, a black notebook and a small candle about to die out.

"Janice!" A voice called out from the other side of the old, worn out, oak door. "It's time for dinner."

Janice. Was it my name? But I felt no warmth in my chest, not even a spark of familiarity to something that was supposed to be my own. I reached out towards the small notebook only to realize that there was nothing written inside. I was confused but I didn't dwell on it for too long.

I got up from the bed, steadying myself as I felt a little bit lightheaded, before walking towards the door to open, there wasn't a doorknob, but it opened with a single push. It wasn't sturdy at all, just a little kick and it would be down. I was baffled at such poor circumstances.

Looking at the surroundings outside the room, I realized it wasn't anything better than the insides. Everything reeked of an unknown scent and it made my nose tingle in ways I couldn't even begin to describe.

It was a small kitchen, smaller than the already cramped bedroom, perhaps the kitchen was about the size of the bed. In the middle of it was a woman. Her hair cut short, barely reaching her shoulders, wearing worn out clothes that showed obvious signs of being used for years. Wear and tear, self-made stitches in a desperate attempt to keep the entire thing together. I felt pity mixed with sympathy all at once.

"Janice!" She turned around, probably sensing my presence. The wrinkles on her face, and the white hair that stuck out from her dark black hair were signs of her stress and aging. "You're awake!" She exclaimed in glee, pinching my cheeks before resuming to whatever it was that she had been doing before. I didn't know why I was taking everything so well, maybe because I didn't know what to feel, and maybe because I had no memories to compare this new life with. I was engulfed into a hug by this woman; she was holding me in such a caring, loving, embrace it really left me with no words.

But something felt wrong - nothing in this place felt real - and all of a sudden, I woke up, again.

It was what it was, a dream within a dream. But that was what startled me - that I woke up in the exact same way that happened in that other dream. Breathless.

A knock on the door. "Janice! It's time for dinner."

In confusion I got up, and rushed out - there it was; the exact same woman, the exact same house. I took steady steps, I was confused, not knowing what to do, what was happening, was this deja vu?

Before I knew it I was once again engulfed into a hug, and for the third time, I woke up. It was definitely not deja vu. And this time, I wouldn't allow myself to be hugged by that woman.

But whatever I seemed to do, the dream just didn't seem to stop.

Like a literal, endless loop. And it was a real nightmare. A nightmare, this time. I would definitely recall.

_______

I tried everything, rushing out of the house, I even yelled at her once in a dream not wanting her to touch me - but touch me or not, it felt like there was a time limit, and no matter what I did; I seemed to always go back to the start, on the bed, sweat dripping from my forehead to my back, my body in a complete breathless state.

There was no way out. I didn't know what to do anymore, I tried everything! Perhaps even death would be better than this.

And that was when it hit me, death. I've never tried killing her, never, not once.
I shook my head. I'm human - where would my morality be?

But when I had woken up again for the hundredth time - I made my decision, any more of this and I might literally go insane, I didn't even wait for the voice to call me out, I opened the door with so much force, the already unsturdy door was torn away from its hinges, it really made me wonder how it could survive so long in this household.

The woman was startled, she took a step back. "Janice?" She uttered out, he face contorting with so many mixed emotions it was hard to tell what exactly she was feeling. "I-It's time for dinner." She stuttered out.

Without another word, I rushed to the kitchen, grabbing the sharpest knife I could see, I examined it as it glinted even with the absence of light. And then I stared at the woman. I'm sorry. I wanted to say.

"J-Janice!?" Her voice had suddenly raised octaves, her mouth giving out a shrill scream - a call for help, an effortless, useless, call for help. "What are you doing!?"

Because she was older than me, and taller than me, it was obvious that she was definitely stronger than me, as that woman took a step forward, I knew she wanted to take the knife out from my hands, she could do it; after all, she had the ability to do so.

But I didn't allow herself to get near me, I wanted to rid myself from this loop. So without any second thought nor remorse, I threw the knife at her, not expecting that I would do that, she froze in shock - and that was her mistake.

The knife plunged into her throat, completely destroying her vocal chords, cutting off the connection to the brain - she was dead, she fell to the body, limp and unbreathing - her eyes still glazed over in shock and disbelief.

I wanted to tell myself that it was over, that although I had committed such a horrendous crime I shouldn't mull myself over it, it was my life or hers; and for me, a life of a complete stranger that I had no connection to - naturally I would choose myself.

It was wrong but it had to be done.

I was ready for the nightmare to end, for villager's to come in and start screaming bloody murder at me, to curse me out, to imprison me, but none of that happened, instead, everything turned black.

And once again, I was on my bed, sweat trickling down from my forehead to my back, in a complete and utter breathless state.

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⏰ Last updated: Aug 04, 2022 ⏰

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