17| Angel in disguise

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Alyssa
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When I was little, The Palisades felt like my safe haven, a place I'd never dream of leaving, but now that I'm older–and somewhat more mature–it is starting to feel like a cage.

Hundreds of palm trees whiz past the window, and instead of seeing the beauty in their vibrant green palms, it all seems so contrived–so empty.

"What's with you today?" Justin asks, making a left turn. "It's like you're somewhere else." 

I turn to look at him. Our day at the beach was supposed to be his way of apologizing, but all it has done is reminded me he's not the same boy I fell in love with; I'm not the same person he did. And worst of all, he doesn't even know it yet. 

"Nothing." I readjust my ray bans and turn back to the window. "I'm just–" I sigh and turn to face him again. "Aren't you tired of doing the same thing every day? Of seeing the same things? We drive down this boulevard every weekend. We go to the same beach and eat at the same places. We see the same people. I feel like there has to be more." 

Justin furrows his eyebrows in a way that tells me he doesn't get it. Maybe he doesn't–for someone like him, this town is as good as it gets. He's worshipped here, treated like royalty thanks to his dad's wealth and status. But anywhere else, any other city or town, he'd be just another fish in a very big pond. 

"Like what?" he asks. "You think you're gonna find anywhere better than here?"

I shrug and say, "Maybe I won't. Maybe there's nothing out there that could possibly be better than this." I sit up straight now, suddenly filled with this wave of hope. "But what if there is?"

Justin shakes his head, and the hope is lost. "I just don't understand you lately," he says. "You act like nothing is ever enough for you." 

I sink into my seat. Maybe he's right and I'm being ungrateful, maybe I should be satisfied with what I have. But I'm not. I'm not satisfied. 

***

When I get to the gym that evening, I'm excited. It's taking a lot for me to keep on pretending, but here, I don't have to. There's no Justin or Marnie or overbearing parents; there's just me and a punching bag. 

I run up the steps and into the gym, surprised to find Hayden and Maddie still here. They both look over, and while Maddie smiles, it doesn't reach her eyes. She finishes up her conversation before walking over.

"Hey," I say. "Everything okay?"

She bites her lip. "You want to train together?"

I raise my eyebrows and nod. She leads me over to one of the mats and lowers herself into a plank. I copy her movement, realizing it's much harder than it looks. 

"This place isn't doing so well," she says after a while. "With all of the free memberships Hayden likes to give out, this place makes hardly any money. Half of the equipment has broken, and we can't afford to replace it. Hayden's stressing." 

I go to speak, but my body is shaking so much under the strain that I have to sit up first. "I can help," I say. "How much would you need for the equipment?" It's not like I just go around handing out money, but this gym is the one place I'm able to escape to; I don't want to lose it. 

Suddenly, Max, who is training in the weights area next to us, lifts his head to look at me. His eyes meet mine and study me curiously. 

"I already offered to help put some money toward it," Maddie says. "Hayden won't accept it."

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