Everything & More (Book 1 in the E.C.N Series)

Chapter 18-Martha

The red light next to the door indicated that a session was taking place. I just continued to stare at it as I imagined that being me in a few minutes.

"Mrs. Carso," the receptionist whose name plaque read, Rachel Pope, called out, gaining my attention. "If you and your husband just fill out these papers, I'll let the doctor know you're here." I stood up to get the papers but a hand on my arm stopped me.

"I'll get them." Said Jonathan with a reassuring smile. He's been in a really good mood since we got here. I think he was just happy that I decided to come. He offered for us to drive together but I shut that down immediately. I wasn't ready to have him be my only way out of here. He stood grabbing the clip board consisting of the papers and a pen. When he came to sit back down next to me, his arm brushed up against mine as he wrote.

The red light suddenly went out and that made me sit a little straighter. Next the door opened to reveal a very puffy eyed woman gaining her composure.

"I'll see you next week, Cassie." Said a man that stepped out, he looked to be in his early 50s, I presumed him to be Dr. Salner. He had a light color of salt and pepper on his beard and hair. His clothes were the definition of therapist, typical sweater vest and slacks paired with glasses. When the woman left his attention turned to us. "You both must be my 9 o'clock, Mr. and Mrs. Carso. I'm Dr. Salner, please come in,"  He smiled at us as we stood to greet him.

Shaking both of our hands we each entered the room, "Please take a seat." Dr. Salner gestured towards the couch. Jonathan and I sat, though I kept my distance as I got comfortable. The office was of decent size, it had the typical office desk and several doctorates hanging on the wall with a mahogany bookcase to the right of it. On the left was a large set of windows looking over the park where children could be seen playing amongst each other. In front of us was a coffee table and on the other side of that was a single chair for Dr. Salner.

He sat down grabbing a black book that when opened had a yellow notepad within it. There he picked up a pen that was hiding in the crevice. As he clicked the pen, Dr. Salner looked up at us, "Let's begin."

~~~~~~

Dr. Salner continued to talk for the next ten minutes as he asked Jonathan and I questions. He asked about when we first got together, when we got married, and when I got pregnant. He even asked our take on how our relationship was in the beginning to how it was before the affair started.

My attention kept dissipating the longer we went on. Reminiscing was probably the hardest part of this. It was having to remember how happy we were. I mean we weren't perfect by any means but when I pictured my family together it was at least happy.

"Martha?....Martha?"

I popped my attention back to Dr. Salner. "Yes, sorry."

"It's quite alright, I was asking if there was anything you wanted to ask Jonathan?" I took a minute to think to myself, I knew what I wanted to know. Though at that moment I couldn't do anything but shrug. "Are you sure?"

Come on Martha... just talk.

"Why?" I looked at Jonathan, "Why'd you do it?". It looked like something short circuited in Jonathan because something flashed in his eyes as he took a deep breath. Then his attention was directed at his hands that kept fidgeting on his lap. It looked like he was gathering his thoughts, though part of me felt like he was trying to just come up with something.

I felt like I was staring at him forever before he finally spoke, "What if the truth isn't something you want to hear? Wh-what if it turns out to be a really shitty reason and you still leave me? Huh?"

He was avoiding it. I knew he was but he was the one who wanted to be here. Part of me thought of another question to ask that I could go a roundabout way of asking. Looking at the floor I calmly tried again as I moved my hand nonchalantly, "Fine, then at least tell me when."

"When?"

I was getting frustrated, did he genuinely not understand or was he just acting stupid, "When did it start, Jonathan?"

He opened his mouth but nothing came out and then he sighed, "I can't."

My eyebrows creased in confusion as I popped my head up, turning it to look at him. I kept my body facing Dr. Salner, "What the fuck do you mean you can't? Jonathan this," I waved my hands around the office, "was your idea. You said you wanted to fix this. Now that I'm asking some basic questions, it's too hard for you."

Dr. Salner cleared his throat, "Jonathan, if I may redirect this conversation, why are you here?" Jonathan looked up at our therapist at a loss for words. "Are you here for the reason that Martha stated?"

"Yes." He nodded. I heard it in his voice, he wanted to work this out. So why wasn't he speaking?

"And what about you Martha?" My contact with Dr. Salner didn't waver, I knew what he was asking, "Are you here for that same reason?"

"I'm still deciding." My tone was low but I knew both of them heard it. Especially when Jonathan shifted in his place again.

"Then the only way to even begin to think about repairing your relationship is by telling her the truth. Lying is part of the reason you both are sitting in front of me today." I was looking between Dr. Salner and Jonathan, hoping it would give Jonathan the courage to speak to me.

After some silence I saw the moment Jonathan came out of his own head. His attention was back on me, "Two years ago."

I visibly flinched when I heard that, "What? I'm confused you said the affair was for a year. How did it start two years ago?"

He sighed as he began to tell me the whole truth, "That night two years ago, between Ryan and I, when I left, I went back to the office. I thought that maybe I could just bury my head in work and forget about it all. J-Jackie," I felt pain in my chest when he said her name, "she came to the office to drop some papers off. She wasn't expecting me to be there. I had been drinking and at some point while we were talking... I kissed her."

My sinuses were burning as I held back from crying, he kissed her two years ago? I struggled with my next words but I needed to know. "And then what happened?" I almost didn't recognize my own voice, it was so clipped.

He looked up at me in a panic, "I stopped it. I swear I didn't sleep with her."

"So for that whole year you did what? Pretended like it never happened?"

"I did, I told her that it was wrong, that I was just drunk and I had made a mistake." He spoke with conviction, as if stopping it two years ago was going to solve what he did this past year.

"But?" I gave him an expectant look, "Something happened, obviously. Something happened that after fighting your urges for a year, you decided to say 'to hell with it' and fuck her for a whole year to make up for loss time!"

"Martha it wasn't like that."

"Just answer the fucking question, what happened?" Jonathan looked up at Dr. Salner, looking like he didn't know if he should continue, "No don't look at him, look at me. Be a man and tell me what happened."

He threw a few glances my way before finally looking at me, "A year ago you remembered that it was the anniversary of that particular night. You kept talking about how much you missed Ryan and how you wished things were different. I took it the wrong way, so when Jackie made an unexpected pass at me... I gave in."

"You gave in..." I was leaning forward now with my elbows on my thighs, I couldn't look at him, "you gave in because I was missing my friend." I sat up as realization kicked in, "A friend that I kicked out of my life because I was defending you!" I stood up not being able to control how I was feeling. If I thought I felt betrayed before, I was wrong.

Dr. Salner sat on the edge of his seat looking up at me, "Martha, I know you're feeling a lot right now. I need you to breathe."

I didn't want to breathe, I didn't want to be here. This all happened because of that night.

I turned back toward the couch and grabbed my purse. Jonathan stood up and I sent a glare his way, "Don't... screw this, and screw you!" With that I swung the door open and heard it slam against the wall as I stormed out.