What Now ⇔ Muke ✓

[19] The stone

filler lol

LUKE

Today, I decided to live without feeling.

Well, that's partly true. My mind is still filled with cacophonous sounds of screaming voices and a distant soundtrack of Michael's voice, but I have mastered the ability of letting no emotion flicker over my face. I have been able to hide my intractable thoughts enough that I am able to sit with Ashton and my aunt in the den as they watch television, no more tears staining my cheeks.

The alternative of crying though is just being numb. My entire body is paralyzed, my stare unblinking as I gaze at the television screen with no intention of actually watching it. I can feel Ashton's eyes on me, flickering over my frozen body with a skeptical look, almost as though he would rather me be sobbing than be emotionless.

I prefer it this way though. That way, if someone decides to grab hold on the bleeding heart in my chest and squeeze it, it won't hurt. It died a while ago, the moment Michael was forced into the back of the police car.

I'm sure that this is wrong, how I'm acting. I should be over this by now. I should be back to normal, returning to school and playing basketball and living life like I did before I met the river boy, but I can't. I physically cannot bring myself to tear my mind away from him and his pretty lilac hair.

"Luke?"

I didn't even know the boy that long, when you put it into context. I knew who he was, I knew he existed, and then I saw him. I saw the way he crouched on the edge of the stone cliff like the drop didn't affect him, and I saw the way he stared off into the distance at that cave, like he was wrapped up in chains and couldn't escape. I saw the way he looked so free among the trees, dancing in the shadows and carving our initials into the cave wall like each moment was precious.

"Luke."

I didn't realize then that our time was precious. It was so precious, so fragile, escaping our fingers at the most fleeting moment. I should have worshipped those little moments when I had the chance to. I should have held him closer to my chest and I shouldn't have yelled at him when we got lost and I shouldn't have forced us to leave the cave that day and I shouldn't have-

"Luke!"

I look up at Ashton, whose eyes are trained on mine with extreme intensity. They soften once I react to his voice, and he sighs, running a hand through his unruly hair. I know I should say something, force myself to speak so that he won't be so worried, but my tongue is stuck in a state of abeyance.

"Are you okay?"

The question takes me aback for a moment. Am I okay? The obvious answer is glued to the back of my throat, but I can't bring myself to talk. I feel wounded, no poultice available to spread across my scars. I'm broken, shattered into sharp fragments of glass that works into your skin, opening your veins and allowing your fresh blood to spill across the floor. I am a danger to everyone including myself now that my anchor to the world has been diminished, but I don't say this. All I say is:

"Yeah, I'm okay."

I review how my voice sounded. I mentally nod. Yes, I sounded nice. Somewhat convincible. Almost enough to convince myself, if it weren't for my scalded chest that reminds me.

"Luke, I understand that this is difficult to deal with. But, this just means that you've got to be stronger. You-" Ashton sighs, burrowing his hands in his hair as he rests his elbows on his knees. I stare expressionless at the top of the television, watching the colors dance across the screen. "You have to learn how to be happy again."

Happy. The only time I can remember being happy in this town without Michael was when I was drunk. Seems like a reasonable alternative, in my mind.