floating | ✓

27| smile

“She had the prettiest eyes
& prettiest smile with
Wounds on her heart and
bruises on her soul.”

-Tanya Gambhir

27|smile

I stare at the mirror, zoning out once again. I sigh. There’s no stopping me from floating today.

I come out of the washroom and put on my clothes: a grey top, a pair of jeans, and my air forces. I head downstairs, reminding myself to smile when I need to.

Breakfast is mundane, and then it’s time to head to school. As soon as I reach school, I want to leave. It’s common on a spiral day that I hate to be here.

I open my locker, taking the necessary copies and books. I turn around and find Oliver standing in front of me.  He never comes to my locker. We usually meet at Jason’s locker, which is on our way to the classrooms.

What is he doing here?

“Hi,” I say in surprise.

Oliver nods, and he scratches the back of his head like he is unsure of something, which is so not Oliver.

He places one his arm beside me on the locker and says, “I was thinking—”

“Yes?” I ask quietly.

Oliver stares at me silently. He inhales deeply. Then he sighs like he is giving up on whatever he is trying to say and asks me something that I never thought I would hear coming out of his mouth.

“Are you okay?” Oliver asks me, with no expression in his face, staring deep into my eyes.

I get alarmed almost instantly. It’s like something in me gets triggered.

Crap.

I must have looked so bad that even Oliver, who never asks me anything to be honest, ended up asking me if I’m okay.

This is not good. What happened to my brave face, my sunshine smile?

Smile, Gwen. Tell him you’re fantastic. Smile. Right now.

But I have something lodged in my throat. I look at Oliver, and I want to say Hide me from the world and tell me everything’s going to be okay. That I am strong enough to fight some more. That I’m brave. That I’m not alone.

But I can’t. I have no right to ask that from him. Instead, I say, “I am fine.”

Then I make the mistake of looking down at my shoes like I did something wrong. I can’t look him in the eyes.

Why did he even ask? Why did he burden me with this?

To change the subject, I say “So what's that you wanted—”

But before I can finish my sentence I’m engulfed in a hug. Oliver has his arms around me and is hugging me tight to his chest. I am so surprised I forget to react.

I shudder. I can’t breathe. Slowly I put my arms around him and inhale. Oliver runs his finger through my hair gently.

I am feeling such a strong wave of overcoming emotion that I think I will burst into atoms. My heart is going to explode, and there’s nothing I can do about it. My tears that I have been holding back threaten to spill like a fountain. I squeeze my eyes shut tightly.