CheckMate || BBS Crew

;: 72 :;

TRIGGER WARNING: MENTIONS OF SUICIDE/SELF HARM !!!

Now showing private messages between RoastMasterV2 and Terroriser

RoastMasterV2: sigh

Terroriser: sigh?

RoastMasterV2: s i g h

Terroriser: what's up Evan?

RoastMasterV2: just sigh

Terroriser: want to talk about it?

RoastMasterV2: did you know that a side effect of anti depressants can be suicidal thoughts? isn't that just a bit backwards....

Terroriser: you need your meds changed? I told you if the side effects got bad then we'd try to fix it

RoastMasterV2: no, no it's not that...I was just reading the bottle

RoastMasterV2: you know...because I'm bored

Terroriser: evan are you sure?

RoastMasterV2: you ever just...feel nothing? like there's just an empty abyss throughout your entire being...but you're also simultaneously burning from the inside?

Terroriser: Evan you're scaring me

RoastMasterV2: i'm just laying in bed, nothing to be scared of, you can even come over here and see if you'd like. just letting out my feelings

Terroriser: Evan i really think we should consider getting a new prescription for you

RoastMasterV2: you know...everyone seemed so concerned about how fucked i am mentally, there's also this big freak out if i so much as laugh at anything death related. you know, because I've tried to kill myself like three times or whatever

RoastMasterV2: but no one ever asked what it felt like

RoastMasterV2: the rope fastened around my neck...the only thing keeping me from the other side was the stool that I stood on

RoastMasterV2: suddenly i held so much power, and all I did was stand there, yet I held both life and death at my fingertips.

RoastMasterV2: yet no one cares

RoastMasterV2: they just tell me not to do that, that i need help

RoastMasterV2: but they never asked what it felt like to stand there, to be in the middle of doing something that had been plaguing my mind for so fucking long and inches from feeding into my hunger for death

RoastMasterV2: for almost letting the darkness win

RoastMasterV2: but, was i satisfied?

Terroriser: evan...

RoastMasterV2: you're just proving my point; no one wants to ask how it felt. because you're scared. and that's okay-you can be scared

RoastMasterV2: i was scared too, i mean i still am scared

RoastMasterV2: i take medication but it can only help so much- i still can't trust myself, but i have to. the world won't stop for me.

RoastMasterV2: i cant just live my life walking on fucking eggshells scared of what my brain will do to me- everyone else is already scared

RoastMasterV2: i'm sorry that i scare you, brian, but what you see is so much better than actually being me

RoastMasterV2: i'm just so tired

RoastMasterV2: but when i lay in bed my eyes are wide open, scared of what i'll see when i close my eyes

RoastMasterV2: but the extra fucked part about all of this is

RoastMasterV2: when i stood atop that stool, on the edge, hyping myself up to finally end it all

RoastMasterV2: to finally get some god damn sleep

RoastMasterV2: i wasn't happy. i wasn't sad, wasn't miserable. i wasn't anything. just scared. tired.

RoastMasterV2: i had begged for the day it would all finally be over

RoastMasterV2: but, no, in those few seconds that i hung there, mentally counting every second i thought i had left

RoastMasterV2: i still wasn't satisfied

RoastMasterV2: and i don't think i'll ever die in peace

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Now showing private messages between RoastMasterV2 and ChokingIsMyKink

RoastMasterV2: do you have an answer for me

ChokingIsMyKink: we're free whenever you are

RoastMasterV2: noted.