nobody like you (Lauren Jauregui)

winter season

As soon as she's in her room, Alma unlocks the door and lies on her back, alone in bed with nothing to distract herself. She can't do anything but replay what happened earlier on a loop, and cry.

It's like a part of her has shut down. Her heart is broken, she doesn't feel anything but her heart beating and that's extremely scary because she was so comfortable with her life for the first time in such a long time.
Lauren brought her everything she needed; company, support, happiness and true love.

Now she's back to feeling alone again, with no one to support her (for now, because she sure is planning on telling Alisha everything tomorrow), and everything she's been feeling has been replaced by sadness.

She knows she messed up, she didn't even explain anything to Lauren but it was so hard and she was so stressed out by her mom possibly finding out that she was gone, she didn't even know what she was doing. It was like she couldn't control what was coming out of her mouth.

When her alarm goes off, Alma doesn't have to wake up for school because she wasn't even asleep in the first place. She ignores her mom, and she walks to the bus stop without her phone so that means no music.

Just her and her thoughts in the back of the bus on a cold winter morning. She really hates her life right now. But eventually, she meets Alisha and her friend does make her feel better, and she tells her everything as soon as she sees her.

"Then she took my phone and my computer and now I want to kill myself." Alma whispers, writing down what Lauren's writing on the board.

Alisha's kind of shocked.

"But why didn't you tell her it was because of your mom? I'm sure you could've worked it out together!" Alisha says, really not getting Alma's side.

"I fucking panicked! Do you even real-"

"Girls." Lauren sends them a look. "Quiet, please."

Alma waits until Lauren turns around again.

"Do you realize what would happen if my mom snitched?? She'd go to jail and honestly I'm pretty sure I would go to considering the fact that I'm an adult! It's just the first thing that got out of my mouth and I couldn't control any of it." She tells Alisha, but Alisha looks like she really doesn't get it.

From her desk, Lauren looks at Alma chatting with Alisha. She can't hear it, but at least she can see her and that's a little comforting because honestly, Lauren feels pretty bad. She's pretty sure Alma broke up with her to be with Alisha and even though she hates the way she got played for the second time in a row, she kind of understands.

It's easier for Alma to be with Alisha.

She's basically just making up excuses so Alma won't be the bad guy, because she loves her so much. She loves her like she's never loved before and it's crazy that even after that, she still feels exactly the same; she still loves everything about her, and she's certain that it won't ever change, even if the scars Alma left her with hurt like hell.

-

Each day that goes by is a living hell for Alma.

No phone, no computer, no seeing anyone outside of school and mostly no Lauren. She has never felt so bad before, never in her whole life.

The two weeks long Christmas break is coming in a week and it's getting colder and colder outside, even snowing sometimes. It's usually Alma's favorite time of year but this year it feels so lonely.

Eventually she's been forcing herself to sleep, to ignore Lauren, and to talk to her mom, because she accepted that it's over, and there's nothing she can do about it.

But still, everyday she sees her and everyday she falls a little deeper in both love and pain during her English class.

Right now, she's alone in her bed, in pitch black darkness and she can't stop sobbing because everytime she closes her eyes she can just feel Lauren's arms around her, her kisses on her neck, or her skin against her own, and it hurts so fucking bad. It hurts like nothing has ever hurt her before, and she tried her best to stay strong but if she didn't want to admit it before, she's slowly coming to the conclusion that they've taken it too far.

It's around 3AM, she can see the snow falling through her window and she can also feel the cold even though she's wearing cozy warm pajamas.

Sure, she accepted that it's over, but she's reaching her breaking point and she feels like she's on the verge of a meltdown every second of every day and night and she hates it. She hates it even more than the amount of pain she's in right now and that is making her uncontrollably sob, her hand covering her mouth to not wake anyone up.

She hates her mom for this, she hates her even more than she already did before.

She sits up on her bed, her hand on her stomach as she tries her best to take a deep breath, but her brain reminds her of how Lauren could be holding her right now, and the small amount of peace she felt for a split second disappears and she sobs even harder.

Eventually she gets herself to calm down, and she silently walks the the bathroom to watch herself in the mirror. She feels disgusting. Her cheeks are red, her eyes are red and puffy and she just feels so gross.

She splashes cold water on her face, insisting on her eyes and she soflty dries her face and then walks to her desk, sitting at it and looking at the piece of paper and pen that are here.

She doesn't remember putting it here, even after thinking about it while staring at it, she doesn't know how it got there.

She sits at her desk, instinctively taking the pen and starting to write without even noticing or thinking about it.