CHRYSALIS

17.

December flew past me in an emotional blur.

Harry went home to London to spend time with his family, so our Sunday cafe dates happened over FaceTime in two different time zones. I met Anne through a screen, which was surreal.

She was funny and sweet and everything I thought she'd be. We teased Harry until he took her away from me and stuck his tongue out at me before hanging up.

I got pictures of their tree and the cutest selfie of H, Gemma, and Anne in front of it. I answered with a selfie of my dad and I holding our whiskey glasses, in front of our little tree on the kitchen table.

Being home was very odd, it was familiar of course but I also felt like I didn't really know anyone here anymore. It felt like they didn't know me either.

I walked through the grocery store to grab ingredients for Christmas dinner and gave a polite smile to the familiar faces I saw, but it took them all several seconds to register my face. A few of them stopped to talk to me, asking me where I've been and what I've been up to, feigning interest in the girl that " up and left" Marcus.

I didn't miss the judgment that comes from small-town living. I didn't miss the hushed whispers, the side glances, or the snarky comments.

I did get to see Miranda while I was home, which was good for my soul. My oldest friend always had a way of grounding me and making me a little bit more whole when I left her.

We spent hours just talking, walking down to the river. It was very cold out, my nose was numb and my ears burned, but it was so beautiful. The trees are so green all year round and the water mixed with the dirt and the fresh air smelled like home. Miranda was one of the only people I was comfortable sharing all of my thoughts and feelings with, she never told me I was being ridiculous or told me not to feel a certain way about myself, she simply listened.

She has always been an incredible listener, which I've taken advantage of since we were children, always talking her ear off and most of the time interjecting my thoughts whenever she had something to say.

I knew she was a better person than I am but I figure if shes put up with me this long then she must love me despite the shit parts of my personality.

I told Miranda about Harry of course, but we mostly talked about the Santana situation. I told her how conflicted I've been feeling again about whether or not the collapse of our friendship was completely my fault.

I talked to her about how I don't understand how I have two opposite feelings regarding the situation. I don't understand how a section of my brain knows that I did nothing wrong, but there's another section of my brain that is run by that girl in the mirror with the dead eyes, and that section tells me that I am a stupid whore who couldn't find anyone to love her so she just had to fuck her friend to get an ounce of intimacy and in doing so she hurt him and ruined one of the few precious friendships she had. All because she had to get laid.

Miranda didn't know how to process this mindset any better than I did, so we drank tequila and moved on to her problems.

She told me that she's dating again. She's been seeing a nice guy named Matt that we went to high school with, he loves all the weird things that she does, like hunting and fishing. Which is great for her she deserves a man that shares her joys and makes them a priority. Her ex certainly did not.

She's nervous though, about jumping in again and giving her heart to another person after the disaster that her relationship was. That relationship was pretty much doomed from the start though, they were both Geminis and they truly brought out the worst in each other.