Chapter 11

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Every morning after that Sasha planned to go out on the balcony and talk to Cooper, and every morning he found himself making excuses not to as his anxiety drowned out his motivation. He knew he needed to and every day it just got harder, but he couldn't.

And then one day after Ellie and Abra had already left he heard the door to Cooper's apartment open and he just went and opened his own door because his anxiety had less opportunity to stop him if he didn't let himself think before he acted.

Cooper paused, and then smiled and set the two huge garbage bags he was carrying down. "Hey."

"Hey," Sasha said back. "Um... that's a lot of garbage."

"Oh, this isn't garbage, it's laundry. I have to carry it a couple of streets down to the laundromat and then I have to sit and wait while it all washes and dries. Also I forgot to charge my phone so it's at like 10% so that'll be fun."

"Um, well, I have a washing machine and a dryer if you want to use mine instead."

"Wow, really? Are you sure?"

"Yeah, it's no problem," Sasha said, stepping aside to let Cooper in. "My parents got them installed because they knew there was no way I'd ever go to a laundromat."

Cooper followed Sasha over to the washing machine and put the bags of laundry down next to it. "I'm honestly not sure how often I'd do it if I didn't have Ellie and Abra keeping me on track. Though, maybe not for the same reasons you wouldn't do it."

"Probably not."

"So, uh. Are you feeling better?"

"Yup." Sasha opened the lid of the washing machine. "Here, just fill it up. Uh, if there are any special settings for different clothes, I don't really know about that. I just wash everything together with the standard settings and it seems to work out okay."

"That's about the extent of my laundry knowledge, too," Cooper said as he started to empty the first bag of clothes into the washing machine. "Listen, Sasha, I'm sorry if I did something to upset you last time. I left because I figured I'd overwhelmed you, but if you wanted me to stay and help you somehow I'm sorry for that as well. I want to be a good friend, but I don't really know how."

"You're a great friend."

Cooper nodded, but he didn't look convinced. "Are you doing okay now?"

Sasha took a deep breath in and let it out slowly. Sometimes absolute honesty was the best approach. "When people ask me that question, it makes me cry."

A slow look of realisation crept over Cooper's face. "Ohh. Ohhhh. Fuck. And I've done that shit twice now, haven't I? Fuck. I'm sorry, Sasha."

"Don't be sorry," Sasha said, and yeah, his voice wasn't completely steady. He could still get the words out, though, and the fact that he cried a lot was no longer a secret, so it was fine. "It was nice of you to ask. It's just a weird, annoying thing I do. I don't even know why."

"Do you want me to not ask again?"

"I don't know," Sasha admitted as he scooped some laundry powder into the washing machine. "It's weird because if someone's actually mean to me, I won't cry. At least not in front of them. Even if they shout at me, I'm just... calm."

"I don't think that's so weird. I mostly only cry when I'm alone, or very occasionally in front of Abra and Ellie. I don't think there's anything wrong with crying, though. I think it's just that my family wasn't really big on doing it openly, so I just sort of reflexively squash those feelings down when I'm not alone."

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