chapter 11

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draco's pov

of course i'm lying. i think she can tell i am. i had almost convinced myself it was true, until she stepped into potions today. fuck, it felt good to see her.

but i had to be an asshole, because it's the only way i've found to cope.

push away, push away, push away.

if i just isolate myself, then no one else will get hurt. i'll put up a thousand walls around myself as long as it means she can't get in. because if she ever broke through to the other side... i don't even want to think of what would happen.

i have theo though, which is nice. he understands- somewhat. i couldn't talk about it with crabbe and goyle, seeing as they're complete knobheads. but theo and i, we're going through the same thing. i didn't tell him what... exactly... i have to do... but he knows it's something, and he knows i can't go it alone.

it was fine, the past month. i had convinced myself i had moved on, had even lost the urge to write to her every time he showed up at the manor, to tell her how broken i was, how much i was hurting... and ask her to fix it.

and then i smelt the potion. i smelt it while she was explaining it and i realized- it smells just like her. and then lies i'd been telling myself for the past month all started to crumble. every time i repeated in my mind, "the kiss was a mistake", "she probably hates you now", "you can't love her anymore, idiot, you'll just hurt her", all faded away, and all i could think about is how much i wish i could turn back time, to the night it all happened.

when she came running up to me that night, telling me she read the letter from my father, that she wanted to help me, i could've accepted it. i could've told her everything i had been holding in and she could've really helped. we could've gotten fucking potter to not go to the department of mysteries and then it wouldn't be my father's fault the prophecy got destroyed and then i wouldn't be in this goddamn mess.

but i can't turn back time, and now i'm stuck with this; lying to her, again. i'm adding on lie after lie, and each one hurts a little more than the last.

i don't love you

it's the hardest lie i've had to tell, and my heart breaks just saying it.

but she's lying too, even if she doesn't know it. she says she would love me no matter what but... she doesn't know who i've become. this fucking mark on my arm, it symbolizes everything she hates. if she knew... she wouldn't be screaming that she loves me.

__________________________

your pov

"what a little lying son of a bitch"

"his mum's actually quite nice-"

"shut up" daphne cuts me off, "he is- he is-" she's fuming, pacing around the dorm room, "i'm going to kill him at breakfast. i swear to it i-"

"daphne calm down" i stand up from my bed, placing my hands on her shoulders. she takes a few deep breaths, meeting my eyes, "he's just-"

"being a dick?"

"going through something"

we say in unison. daphne rolls her eyes and backs away, "you've got to stop making excuses for him-"

"you don't know what he's going through-"

"yeah? and neither do you!" she turns back to me, "because the prick's decided we're all on a need to know basis!" she shakes her head, sitting down on her trunk, "and it's an asshole thing to do to any of us but especially to you" she looks up at me, a frown on her face

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