Home for Horny Monsters - Book 4

Battlegrounds

The technicolor clouds of the Dreamscape parted as Mike fell through them, and he flipped himself over in an attempt to finally stick the landing on the beach. For a moment, he thought he had it, but at the last second his feet swung out from under him and he slammed into the ground hard enough that the beach crumbled beneath him. He fought to stay above the flowing sand that rushed in to fill the gap, and was busy pinwheeling his arms when a golden ray of light broke through the sky above to illuminate him.

The fairy queen descended slowly, her diaphanous wings spread out behind her. The regal attire she had worn in the court had been replaced with resplendent armor that glistened in the light of the Dreamscape. The clouds parted, and a choir of angels hummed a battle hymn as she landed on the beach, her bare feet pressing into the sand.

She looked around the island, her eyes scanning the water, then turned to look at the house and frowned. Curious, he followed her gaze and saw that the house was in a state of disrepair that made no sense, and the roof of his porch had collapsed.

"And so we see the inner workings of your mind," she said. "I can't say I'm disappointed. This is roughly what I would expect from a mortal."

"Yeah, well—"

He tried to pull his foot out of the sand and fell on his face, getting a mouthful of grit. There was a rush of air, and a strong hand grabbed him by his other leg and yanked. He was pulled free of the sand, and now dangled upside down in front of the queen. She seemed bigger than she had been just a second ago, and his breath caught in his throat when another pair of arms unfolded from her torso.

"Let's see what you're made of, Caretaker." She spun in place and hurled him through the air, and he careened across the beach and then slid across the sand.

He bounced over an errant boulder and landed in a tide pool, which caused the crabs inside to stand up on their hind legs and flee. A fat starfish cartwheeled behind them before performing a belly flop off of a large rock on the shoreline. Mike was almost back on his feet when she grabbed him by the hair and yanked him backward, then slammed him into the ground and placed her foot on his chest.

"Feel free to wake up when you're ready," she told him, then held up a hand full of purple fire. "But try to last. I want to carve you up first."

Pain radiated through his body, but now that he had a moment to concentrate, he was able to disperse most of it. She had gotten the drop on him, that was true, but this was his Dreamscape, and he refused to let her get to him.

He caught movement off to his side and saw a crab within reach. The damn thing was wearing a top hat and a monocle, but he grabbed it by the face and smirked at the queen.

"Feeling crabby?" he asked, then threw the crab at the queen.

When it hit her in the face, it exploded into hundreds of tiny crabs, each one wearing a top hat or a monocle. She jumped away from him and shook herself off, the tiny crabs scurrying away in a hurry once they hit the ground. When she stomped on them, they burst into smears of blue and pink paint.

"Is that all you have? Mortal puns? Stupid jokes?" Her arms and torso were covered in red and white paint smears now, and Mike suppressed a grin. When she tried to rub it off, it just created long streaks of grime that sparkled when the light hit the smashed monocles just right.

"I'm just trying to buy myself some time," he said, then struck his best martial art pose. Though inexperienced in the art of self defense, he dug into the mental intent of the act, and felt his mind connect with the beach around him.

When the queen ran toward him, he swept his hand dramatically in front of him. The sand of the beach erupted, blasting into the queen and smashing her into a grove of nearby palm trees.