Finally Found

Chapter 21 • Memories

Gabriella's POV

It's been a few weeks since I started school and everything is going good so far. My grades have been good especially for art. Lilli's been great, there have been times where I've flinched away from her or had a panic attack near her and she hasn't pushed me to tell her why I do those things.

My meetings with Clara seem to be getting better to, as reluctant as I am to open up to her it's proved to be a great help. I meet with her once every week sometimes twice a week if I get bad nightmares. At our last meeting she told me how I have PTSD which wasn't a shock for me. She told me I most likely first got PTSD after my mother died and it got worse because of John. I have another meeting today with her that I'm not quiet ready for, just because I've always known I've had ptsd doesn't mean I'm ready to face it.

So as I sit in front of Clara as she grabbed papers from her desk before sitting down across from me I let my mind wander to the happy memories stored in the front of my mind that shine like the sun on a warm summer day rather then focus on the memories that constantly plague my mind and make me relive them every night, the memories that glow a midnight black with the moon barely visible from behind the stormy clouds.

"Are you ready sweetheart?" I blinked my watery eyes at Clara before nodding my head.

"Ok we're gonna take this slow. I want you to close your eyes and focus on memories where you were happy, and then I want you to tell me how you felt in that moment, what you smelled, what you saw. Are you ok with that?" Again I just nodded while closing my eyes.

"What's a memory that makes you smile no matter what?" Clara asked.

"The Christmas before my mom met John, I was 8." My breath caught in my throat while saying his name.

"What made you happy that Christmas?" I heard shuffling before the soft sound of a piano playing filled the room, it was peaceful and intense at the same time.

"I don't know it just was." I don't understand what the point of this is. How talking about a time where everything was so happy can help heal me.

"Can you tell me how that day went? What you and your mom did." I released a shaky breath as I started to recall the events that day.

"It started off like any normal Christmas, we woke up, opened presents, watched Christmas movies. It was a fun day, then when my mom started making dinner I was playing with my toys that she got me. It was about an hour after she started making dinner that the smoke alarm went off, I got so excited I thought they were fireworks so I grabbed my little camera and went outside trying to find them. Apparently she couldn't find me since I stayed outside for a while and it freaked her out to the point where she almost called the police." I laughed as I thought back to her face when she found me, how she brought me into a hug and refused to let go for the rest of the night.

"I know that Matty and the others don't like, I can see it in the way they talk about her but she was the best mom anyone could have." I sniffles as I still kept my eyes closed. Thinking about all the times she was there for me when no ones else was. She was my best friend, my biggest fan no matter what.

I felt a lone tear slide down my face, except this time it's different. It's not filled with fear or sadness, it filled with love and happiness and hope.

"I know Ella. Now I'd like you to tell me what you felt in that moment. Start with when you thought you heard fireworks and end with when your mother found you." I took a deep breath before doing as she asked.

"I was excited, Ive always loved fireworks. I was disappointed when I couldn't find them or smell the smoke they'd create, I was cold I forgot to grab a jacket before running out into the snow. I remember being confused when my mom found me, I was confused why she looked so scared but it all went away when she hugged me, she felt safe. She was my home." I could feel a lump in my throat as I tried to swallow back the sob that wanted to take over my body. Another tear slid down my cheeks, and then another and another until I couldn't stop them anymore.

I felt something soft brush my cheeks causing me to softly open my eyes to see Clara kneeling down in front of me with tissues in her hand.

I sniffled while wiping my eyes and willing the tears to stop. I rubbed my face until my cheeks burned and eventually the tears stopped leaving behind memories I wish I could relive.

"You did great I think we'll stop for today."  Clara spoke softly while rubbing my hand.

"Aren't we doing the same thing but with my b-bad memories?" I questioned while my fingers fiddled with my necklace.

"Not today, today was just for your happy ones. Come one I'll take you home." Clara and I left her office after gathering our things and headed out to the garage. My hands were still a little shaky but Clara comfortably rubbing my back relaxed me.

When we got home Clara made sure I was ok before heading off to find Matteo while I headed to a place I've been wanting to go to again.

When I reached the secret garden I couldn't help but breathe in the fresh air, even if it was the same air everywhere something about this specific spot was different. Almost magical. Whether it be the butterfly's flying around or the flowers that litter the grass everywhere you look, or the willow tree that I sit under with the leaves hovering over me as if a comforting embrace.

I sat there for a while doodling in my notebook I brought with me, just thinking about everything.

I think about how different my life is compared to that not even a month ago. I always felt like life was passing me by, like I was trapped inside my mind just going through the motions until death finally found me, wishing for it to find me soon 

Now I feel alive again, not fully but I'm getting there. When I looked in the mirror the night before I saw that spark that used to live in my eyes come back for a few minutes. That spark which got taken from me on to many times is finally starting to come back, and just that thought makes me feel alive again.

Hearing a rustle in the bushes to my left I drop my notebook not expecting anyone coming to find me yet. I hear a twig snap and see leaves moving.

I stand up and cautiously take a few steps towards the bushes waiting for something to jump out.

My heart beats faster the more the bushes move, I pick up a large branch while the rustling stops.

A squeak escaped me as an ashy grey rabbit jumps out and stares at me with its head tilted.

I let out a sigh of relieve and shake my head in embarrassment that I was about to attack a rabbit with a branch because I thought it was dangerous.

Lowering the branch to the floor I kneel down and hold out my hand towards the rabbit while it looks at me cautiously before moving to sniff my hand. I lift my hand to pet its head while trying to get closer to it.

When my hand made contact with its fur I wanted to cuddle it and fall asleep because of how soft it is. The rabbit hops closer to me but then stops all of a sudden and raises its ears in the direction of the house.

Exactly at that time Antonio pushed the leaves leading to this place aside and made his way into the clearing while looking at me confused.

It's at the moment when I realize how ridiculous I look, noticing the bunny has already fled due to the sudden disturbance. I sit on the ground with my hand still outstretched before pulling myself together and standing up to face him with a smile.

"What are you doing?" Antonio questioned while looking around at everything near me.

"Um nothing. Is everything ok?" He snapped his eyes back to me before slowly nodding. We just stood there in awkward silence before he shook his head and spoke first.

"Matteo told me to come get you for dinner." I nodded shocked that I stayed out here for that long before quickly grabbing my things and following Antonio towards the house.

With one last glance at my new secret haven that's not really a secret, I smiled and continued to the house with a little more pep in my step not caring for once about anything and just enjoying being alive.

Hi lovelies I'm sorry I haven't updated in so long. Everything's been hectic and I've had extremely bad writers block to the point where I couldn't write one full sentence for weeks.

I hope you all like this chapter. I know it's not the best but it's all I could do for right now.

Anyway I hope you all have a great day😊