Breaking The Ice [bxb]

Chapter Fifteen [Liam]

To put my last week into words, I would have to figure out my thoughts first, and that has proved a real challenge.

And it's all Eli's fault.

When we're in public, he's his old self. Not his old old self, but his most recent old self. Pre-kiss, post-life-changing trauma Eli. The same Eli that spilled hot stew on my father's lap and who does his best to ignore me at school.

When we're alone, on the other hand... well, that's complicated.

And I absolutely hate complicated. In fact, it has never been medically diagnosed, but I am fairly certain I am severely allergic to all things complicated. I avoid them like the plague, for fear of shortness of breath, acute eye rolling and critical boredom.

I have to admit, though, there is something about Eli's brand of complicated that I can't quite shake. I can't really put my finger on it, but it makes it feel worth the health risks.

He is very inconstant, almost capricious. Or, at least, that's how it comes across from the outside. The more time I spend with him, however, the more I get the idea he is an extremely calculating person. More than anyone would ever think to give him credit for. 

For the past week, we spent most of our off-school and off-practice time stealing rare, secret, heated moments in The Lodge's empty kitchen or staff room. And after hours in the Ice Arenas too. Especially in the Ice Arenas.

It is during these precious moments, when the two of us are alone, that he drops the act no one ever dreamed to think was ever an act. Only when there isn't a single soul to witness his transformation, does he reveal this side of him I could never have guessed existed, even in my wildest dreams. Although I confess, before this year, I never even considered dreaming about Eli Blake.

That seems almost preposterous now. How could I have missed it? Well, because he hides it well. And because I wasn't looking. Which is ridiculously frustrating on its own.

After my summer of self-discovery, the world is suddenly colored in a whole new palette of possibilities. To think every day I spent ignoring this part of myself could have been spent exploring it. It feels like time wasted. Time I could have spent uncovering the unseen side of Eli Blake.

This new secret side of him is completely raw, and sure, and intense. And I am all there for it. Not unlike his usual self, this fiercely confident Eli doesn't talk much. But no one will ever hear me complain about that.

During my summer with Rafael, the really helpful pool guy, it was fun to have that little dance with him. That sort of will-I-or-won't-I. I had just decided to explore my sexuality, and getting to know the guy who'd lead me through it was part of the fun. Eli wants none of that 'getting to know each other' bullshit.

It's like he has this very well-defined line when we're together. We can throw around some flirtatious banter, make out and feel each other up over our clothes, but we can't ask what our favorite colors are, or chat about intimate personal thoughts.

It's like he opened a door to show me this new side to him when we're making out, and made up for the loss by shutting every other door. And, again, I'm not complaining.

Because that initial dance was part of the fun with Rafael, but Eli is different. He's a physical guy. And this thing we have is physical as well, I think. Which is perfect.

There was this one time, however. On Sunday morning, right after Chloe and I came back from the Pacific Coast Pairs Sectionals. I call it morning, but the sun wasn't even up yet. Usually, I am not the kind of guy to willingly go for a spontaneous practice session at the Arenas before sunrise, but Eli texted Saturday night and how could I possibly refuse?