Since both our first and second review stores have exceeded 200 chapters (with a grand total of 379 reviews published), I am opening up this third book to fit in all of our future reviews. Yay team!
We are still OPEN to requests, however, this book...
Summary: [no score – will not be added to final score]
I decided not to score your summary, since it's not really a traditional and fleshed out summary involving characters, conflict, stakes and setting. Nonetheless, I really like what you do have – it's almost like a pitch, and it does introduce the conflict and motive within the story in a succinct but also quite playful way, which I like. I think that, while it is very different from a traditional summary and does not necessarily show the most personalised summary of your story, it is effective and will still attract readers.
Also, love the cover! I wonder which amazing designer came up with that... (Much love, AlexVonnG!)
Grammar: 3/5
Overall, your grammar is pretty good – especially your first few chapters. Nonetheless, I did find some errors so let's go through them.
The biggest one was dialogue and punctuation. When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:
"...even snarky comments won't affect me." I say.
It should be:
"...even snarky comments won't affect me," I say.
A few more examples:
"It's his marriage you're planning." He tells me.
It should be:
"It's his marriage you're planning," he tells me.
And what if it's not a dialogue tag that's verbal?
Folding his arms over his chest, "Look, Celeste, I know you have your reason..."
It should be:
Folding his arms over his chest. "Look, Celeste, I know you have your reason..."
Or:
Folding his arms over his chest, he says, "Look, Celeste, I know you have your reason..."
Next, let's talk about proper nouns. Words like 'dad' and 'mum' are complicated – but basically, when you say something like 'I'm going with Dad to the shop', you need to capitalise it as it is used as a proper noun. However, if you say, 'I'm going with my dad to the shop', you don't need to capitalise it. So, for example:
"Sign it already, dad," he says.
It should be:
"Sign it already, Dad," he says.
Otherwise, you just had a few errors scattered throughout that could use some polishing. Some examples include:
Okay, that's it. I quite controlling my irritation.
I think you meant 'quit'. And also, you have this one moment here which I think is a typo? The random Dave just sitting there?
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
Characterisation: 5/5
Wow. Just wow.
Celeste is hilarious, and so easy to just adore and cheer for. I love her fourth wall breaks, where she tells the reader to stay away from drugs. She literally hit a broken van and apologised to it for six minutes – sober. Nonetheless, her interactions with people are an absolute highlight – the father/daughter relationship between her and Dave, and the way she cares about Zephrine is just beautiful to see. Even when she's pushed to the ground, palms bleeding, all she can think about is her daughter, and that was just heart-warming to read. And especially considering her rather dark past, it's just so easy to want her to have a happy ending.
We also see her flaws – there's a bit of self-consciousness, paranoia and overthinking, but even then, it makes us love her even more. She has a feisty side, literally punching at Elliot and snapping at Dace when he announces the big secret. It shows she's complex and human with her rash and spontaneous reactions.
I love the banter between her and Elliot! Speaking of him, there's that constant veil of mystery around him, pretending to be someone he isn't. But, similar to Celeste, we do see that he does have a heart of gold – when Zephrine is hurt, he's instant to come to their aid. And even though he's a little ambitious and crazy, he gets his work done if he wants it done and I can respect that.
Great characters, great dynamics. Well done!
Writing Style: 5/5
I honestly don't have much to say here because I adored the writing. It was brilliant and purposeful – and very character-driven. We feel whatever you want us to feel based on how Celeste is responding to the events around her, and it's to a point where we are taking those breaths with her, counting with her, and laughing with her.
Since Celeste is such a dynamic character, with humour and drama laced in her personality, it really shows in the writing. You have descriptions where it matters, you show literary understanding by using devices – repetition, personification and such. I loved the constant pulse of he is here in that first chapter. It was effective, and set the tone well, and that's something you did consistently well throughout the story.
So really, well done in this department!
Plot + Originality: 4.5/5
I really enjoyed the start, with Celeste rejecting the contract, because it instantly showed us the stakes – her house is literally being used against her. Then, we see fate being cruel to her, where she's literally planning the marriage of a man she wanted to marry nine years ago. Instantly, we can see the tension and conflict and it makes the reader desperate to read on. Well done!
It was so fun seeing her motivation change with time – she eventually decides to use it as an opportunity to dig into his heart and unravel their past. It was great seeing the dynamic shift where she decides to take a position of power and mock him. Finding out Zephrine was his daughter, too, immediately intensified things more.
Then comes all the big twists towards the end, which really flipped the script – Dave had been there this whole time, Elliot and him hatched a plan because she kept declining, and so on. And, of course, there was revelation day – Cyril, the man who helped Elliot, being her dad, who even found the man who had raped her and... if I'm honest, that part was a bit hysterical to read. Her dad literally killed a man and told the court that two men (one who was a random suspect) killed each other, and it was glossed over like it was nothing. That was probably the only part in the story where I felt alienated.
Anyways! I loved the foreshadowing – such as her being randomly suspicious about that doctor, only to find out that it was a fake doctor that was actually her dad. But most of all, I like how Celeste's mother's story is reflected in her own – those ego issues that separated her parents before are the same things Celeste, herself, has to get over to allow herself to love Elliot.
I also found it hysterical how casual they are to telling Zeph that Elliot is her dad (loved the 'Wait, but I thought you were my mum and dad'), and nothing could wipe the smile off my face during the father/daughter reunion. The title reference at the end was a brilliant way to wrap it up, and all in all, I have to congratulate you on a fun and heart-warming story!
OVERALL SCORE: 17.5/20
Overall, a really fantastic story that's been an absolute joy to read! All you need to do is work on your punctuation a bit and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!
