Shut Up Kristyn! | Misc

6 | out of context texts from me

Idk why my friends still talk to me at this point. Here are some out of context things I have said to them over text (copy and pasted which is why there may be an absence of caps, also anything in parenthesis is stuff I added just now)

— "alright i drank my apple juice i hope i dream about robbie shapiro"

(for anyone who doesn't know, Robbie Shapiro is a character from the Nickelodeon show Victorious and he looks like this:)

—"I WILL NOT TAKE THIS JASON DERULO SLANDER"

—-"we laid on the floor and cried together"

—"can you put a safety pin in your septum piercing"

—"well he's married so if you want to be a homewrecker, go ahead"

—"couple's halloween costume idea: dobby and the sock that made him a free elf"

—"i just pulled a muscle trying to do a tiktok dance."

—"[a character] just threw someone across the room and started to choke them. god i wish that were me."

—"hey do you have the brain cell today? because [friend] doesn't have it and neither do i, so if you don't have it, then the one brain cell that bounces between the 3 of us is gone"

—"i'm just sending him the weirdest bitmojis i can find and he's begging me to stop"

—"so basically it keeps telling me i'm an emotional bitch because i'm a cancer sun AND a scorpio moon. it all makes sense."

—"me: boy i can't wait to see bellamy blake for longer than the one second he was in the trailers!"
jason rothenberg: i hate you and also die"

—

"^me bamboozling easter eggs from slovakia"

—"joey and i left our math lecture after being there for 15 minutes and then we got donuts at dunkin" (this was pre-Covid)

—"me: maybe i won't get jelly on myself
the punczek: you mortal fool. you underestimate my ability to create a new crevice from which to drop jelly onto your shirt, which you won't even notice until you're done."

—"well it looks like i have tonsillitis time to go down on my girlfriend ?????"

—"'describe your ideal man' 'jeffrey dahmer'"

—"my bio prof just said 'and if you get it wrong i'm just gonna have to kill you'"

—"there are lemurs in the video we're watching. king julian i love your work"

—"'but this isn't a sexy female with which to mate. this is a corpse' — the narrator of the video, and also men talking about me"

—"eating ass is not a crime"

—"i know all of them so it wasn't that awkward but i was like 'i'm surrounded by too much testosterone and sad attempts at growing facial hair'"

—"also if i wind up in prison for murder it's for killing my neighbor ethan" (also pre-Covid when I lived in my dorm last semester)

—"SOMEONE IS GOING TO DIE TONIGHT." (This was on Snapchat so yes it was in bold)

—"shawn mendes' voice impregnated me and now i am carrying his child"

—"did you just say 'suck my wiggly dick' or am i having a migraine fever dream"

—"i am earth and god is the second nuclear apocalypse coming to kill everyone at the end of season 4 of the 100"

—"i gotta stunt on all these hoes at the first communion party" (again, pre-Covid)

—"am i a hardcore virgin? yes. but i would top him so hard i'm sorry."

—"so i got the HPV vaccine today and the nurse wanted to make sure i didn't faint so she gave me the shot, capped the needle, and then CHUCKED the needle across the room into the sink to hurriedly put the band-aid on and then we were both like 👁👄👁 and she was like '...just so you know, i usually don't throw needles like that'"

—

—"i'll be sexy dobby"

—"WHY ARE ALL OF MY FRIENDS SLYTHERINS"

—"i'm jamming to like a G6 alone in my room"

—"also i'm depressed"

—"i would climb that man like a tree. I NEED TO STOP SAYING THIS ABOUT HIM HE'S OLDER THAN MY DAD AND MARRIED"

—"i envisioned myself having a boyfriend and the time of my life right now not chocked full of 3 mental illnesses"

—"THE KID IN BLUE IS THE ONE WHO EMOTIONALLY SCARRED ME DURING CONFIRMATION RETREAT WHEN HE BUMPED INTO MY ARM THAT WAS HOLDING A CUP OF DR PEPPER AND SPILLED IT ON HIS KHAKIS AND THEN HE GOT UP AND YELLED AT ME IN FRONT OF EVERYONE" (this happened 6 years ago and I'm still not over it)

Anyways that's it. LMK if you guys want a part 2 sometime in the future because I say some whack shit