Starborne

Chapter 16

Distance helped with the physicality of it. Not the ache, or the memory, but the all-encompassing yearning that bubbled up whenever he was near me. 

That night, I didn't sleep. It felt awful, like my body was betraying itself. My heart was hurt and my head was enraged; Stefin was a selfish jerk who didn't even make an effort to soften the blows he dealt. A complete jerk, and yet every part of me called out for his touch. 

Some time in the early morning, I accepted the reality that sleep would not find me, and went for a walk to clear my head. I hurried out of the palace, down a winding path that I had never taken before.

I walked for what felt like an hour, jogging intermittently to force my brain to focus on an external burn. Eventually the city disappeared, and buildings began to grow smaller and pop up less frequently. I kept running, pushing my legs to the limit, until I reached the end of the road.

The path cut off near the edge of a cliff, fading into a patch of grass that became pebbles before falling away into the air. I walked close to the crevasse, testing the integrity of the ground, before sitting down with my feet dangling out above a valley of trees and lakes. 

Everything felt clearer, sharpened, now that I was out of the palace. I'd been lost in a cloud, not feeling like myself, but the cold morning air functioned like a shock to my system. I didn't love Stefin, didn't know him well enough for that, so it was clear that this bond was purely physical.

He was able to fight it, so I should be able to, as well. I was strong, I was capable, and it wasn't like I was a stranger to rejection or heartache.

Alone in the burgeoning dawn, I allowed my mind to wander. Off of Cynabar, out of this system, to a colony planet packed with humans and stripped of natural resources. My family was a huge question mark, I didn't know where they were, or if they were even alive. 

I had left, yes, but they removed themselves much more permanently. Their rejection hurt more than this one, and I learned to numb that pain. I would do it again, and pray that this "bond" would wear off at the end of the ritual sequence.

My brain flashed to an even more painful betrayal, one that only emerged in my subconscious mind, or the moments where I was the weakest. 

Jack. 

Just his name reminded me of old wounds, of cold, of the hardest thing I ever had to do. Craving the touch of an alien Prince was nothing compared to what I did to my first love. My best friend. 

I was commended for what I did to Jack. Thanked. It was an instant promotion to Pilot, earning my wings and gaining a ship. I was given ALYX as a companion to test my mental stability. They watched me for years, to make sure I wouldn't follow in his footsteps. 

Something about this dawn, taking stock of my trials and crucibles, felt right. I lost myself here on Cynabar, caught up in glitz and drama. Running away was my life, but this suddenly felt final, like I could find closure. Instead of fighting, instead of numbing the pain, I closed my eyes and allowed the memories to play across my eyelids. 

Jack and I together, enlisting. His family was hungry, mine were too. Both so young, malnourished, dirty in line at the conscription board.

Years later, joking around in the cafeteria after a ground school lesson. He was hazing the newbies, giving them wrong directions around the compound. I was hiding my giggles, poorly, with the back of my hand.

Sneaking out of the barracks to catch a meteor shower, the first of its kind in a century. He held my hand as we watched the lights fizzle out in the atmosphere. I was brave, kissed him, and he laughed against my mouth, "fucking finally, Reed."

First love, first kiss, first everything. Jack was comfort, Jack was all things good. Until he wasn't. 

I still don't know how they found him, why they reached out, why he answered back. Things were more disorganized, mercenaries weren't the large threat they are now, and I didn't know enough to save him.

I'm always going to remember when Jack left. He snuck out in the middle of the night, leaving everything but the clothes on his back. It could have killed him, if he was caught, but he took the chance anyway, sneaking into my room to say goodbye. 

He begged me to come with him. To join them. The mercenaries were doubling down, politicizing, growing their ranks. Promises of riches and adventure, freedom from the rigid confines of the Forces. 

I cried, I begged, I told him I loved him. He left anyway, and it was years before I saw Jack again. 

This memory hurt more than the others. Guilt, such oppressive guilt, weighed me down until I couldn't breathe. 

The paralyzing cold of the planet Arithsmus. My first training mission, passing a missive to a new terraforming colony on the icy wasteland. We knew there was mercenary activity nearby, but not that they were already waiting for us. 

Jack had a burn notice on him. Kill at sight, or be tried for treason. He made a name for himself quickly, organized eclectic forces into a deadly army of mercenaries. They were there to destroy the colony, burn it to the ground with the colonists, families, inside. 

I will always consider Jack my weakness. Turns out, I was his too. 

Jack stalling when he sees me, his face turning from murderous to angelic in a second. Smile bright as the sun, always for me. Holding the fire, begging me to come with him, just like before. 

It cost him, waiting. We rallied. Fought back the troops, saved the colony. I followed his retreat out into the snow, wanting one last look, one last glimpse of the boy I loved. 

Jack is already on the ship. He could have left, should have left, but he saw me. Waved to me, called out.

I shot him.

Watching him fall, the blood spray, his men dragging his limp form back onto the ship. With the last moment, with my last goodbye, I killed my best friend.

The Terrans were delighted, I was a hero. It didn't stop the mercenaries for long, but was considered a major victory. Jack died, but his vision lived on, and I committed myself to destroying even that.

I found myself, at the edge of a cliff, scrutinizing the points in my life that I would give anything to forget. I tried so hard to numb everything, threw myself into work and booze and temporary companionship, so this was an ironic turn of events. Those memories, the pain of them, made me feel stronger. 

I stood up from the edge of the cliff, felt the whipping breeze clutching at my clothes, trying to throw me into an abyss. I stepped back, first one, then two, setting off at an even pace back to the city. 

The sun breached the horizon just as crystal buildings came into view, setting the whole city on fire. I walked back to the palace, calm and centered, with my spine straight and my priorities decided once and for all. 

I gave up my family, sacrificed my best friend, killed my true love, all to dedicate my life to the protection of my people. I had five weeks until I could continue doing just that. I intended to let nothing, and nobody, stand in my way.