• TOMMY SHELBY IMAGINES •

The Wife (5)

FIVE | HOUSEKEEPING

I get out of the shower and wrap a towel around myself. My hair is soaking wet and I wish I had brought some clothes with me to the bathroom. I sit on the edge of the bath for a moment, wishing I had a warning that Tommy was coming. I'm embarrassed of the drunk state I was in when he came in. Embarrassed of the bottles of wine that laid on the stained carpet. Even though I've known Thomas for decades, I always want to show the classy side of Joanna, not the sloppy and messy drunk side.

Still, he saw the state of the room, and when I open the door, he's in the middle of cleaning it up. He's got a trash bag, got it from God knows where. He raises his head as I step back and I flatten my hands on my thighs as I walk over. "I'm sorry–" I begin to say, don't know what I'm apologizing for exactly.

Thomas shakes his head. "I shouldn't have just barged in." He respectfully states. "Do you need me to leave? So that you can, erm, change?" He looked at me, but I could tell he was raising his eyebrows at himself. Thomas was never this nice, this was all quite new to me, and clearly, him too.

I look down at my towel and nod. "Thank you."

He snaps at Cyril who refused to get up. I don't know why but I tell Tommy it's okay. Cyril can stay here while I change. I walk away when the door clicks shut and Tommy leaves. I take off the towel immediately and walk towards the six or seven dresses I've hung in the closet. My armpits burn and I spray perfume all over my body. I shimmy into a gown, not too provoking but not boring either. I swipe lipstick on and run my hands through my hair, trying to comb it out. I grab my breasts and attempt to plump them up. I'm sure I look absolutely mad.

Before I know it, I'm walking towards the door and pulling it open. He leans against the hallway all cool like, Thomas looks stunning. He's got with a classic black suit and thin tie, he looks marvellous.

"Good?" He asks.

I nod.

We enter the hotel suite silent, and I sit down on one side of the bed as he sits down on the other side. "I've been thinking a lot about you. And us." He begins.

I stiffen immediately. He has?

"And I want to work on things. Repair our marriage, fix it." Thomas continues and grits his teeth, clenching his jaw. "I want us to stay married. D-Do you want the same?" He asks, squinting his eyes at me.

I open my mouth to speak but fail to say anything nice. I get a bad taste in my mouth as I recall our last conversation. "I don't know what I want. You seeing Lizzie is quite nauseating."

"Joanna, stop! Can't you see I'm trying?" He barks.

"Fine. Fine. But I won't apologize. Not now, not ever." I point my finger at him.

"No one asked you to apologize." He rolled his eyes. "I just want to know what else you'd expect of me, you left me for months."

I throw my hands up. "I don't fucking know you could self reflected, Thomas."

He scoffs at me. "I'm not one to reflect on anything. It's all too depressing."

"Well maybe you should have tried."

"What about you? Why didn't you ever tell me things were upsetting you? That I was upsetting you?"

"To be honest Thomas, I tried many times to get you to sit down at the dinner table so that we could talk, you never wanted to stay at home though."

"I was running the business."

"And I know that!"

"So what else did you expect from me, Joanna?!" He shouts and I jump, clutching my chest in a panic. "What else did you need from me?!"

"Don't yell at me! Don't you ever yell at me like I'm one of your employers! I'm your wife! The person you're supposed to swear to love and adore and protect!" I get up and look down at him, "You made a vow to cherish me forever, but the moment your pockets got full of cash, Tom, you left me out to dry - ALONE! I was alone for so long, it was like I was some sort of fucking widow but no! That wasn't it at all, I was grieving the loss of a man who stood right in front of me. A man who slept beside me, and fucked me, and kissed me twice a day, but never spoke to me. I didn't know you! And God it was terrible, Tom, because I love you. I love you so much but it was so hard to love you. B-because you weren't you and I was torn between giving up the Thomas I know or leaving the Thomas I see in front of me! So I left! I left because I couldn't force myself to love the man you are today."

I scream and once I'm finished I begin to tremble, the adrenaline in my body pumps through my veins and I look at him. Thomas, infuriated, pushes his cigarette into the lone ashtray on the bedside table and marches right up to me. He grabs my face in his soft hands and lifts my head up to his, I gasp just as he leans down and kisses me hard. My eyes pinch shut and taste the cigarettes off of his lips and pull away, but he's got me forced to kiss him. I fight, shaking my head, throwing my arms into his rock-hard chest. I thrash and flail and try to tell him to stop. Still, Thomas doesn't listen, instead, he kisses me and kisses me until finally, I slap him. Raising my hand, my palm comes in contact with his cheek and he finally pulls away. I grab my coat and race for the door but he's already right behind me. I open the door and he shuts it hard, the air that escapes from the door makes my hair blow in the wind. "Let me go!" I tell him, "Please, if you're not going to listen to me then fuck off!"

"I do want to listen!" He states.

"Then why are you kissing me!?"

He stops for a moment, looking down at me before walking away. Disconnected, he sits down on the bed and leans over, Thomas runs a hand through his hair and then he looks at me. His eyes fill with tears. "You say you don't know who I am anymore. So tell me, am I a stranger to you now, Joanna?" He rasps.

My hand drops from the doorknob and I shrug my shoulders at him. I enter the room, unable to help myself. "You're not a stranger, but you shut me out for so long."

"What was I supposed to tell you, ey?" He asks. "That I changed and I hate the man I've become?"

I sink to my knees and look at him, I grab his hands from covering his face and hold them tenderly in my arms. "You're wounded." I whisper, as his eyes meet mine. "Here, you're hurting." I put his hand on my heart. "But you should have known that when I married you, I was going to fix you. And mend you, and watch you heal and-"

"I was embarrassed." He reveals with a whimper.

"You were mean." I breathe.

He raises his head, "To you?"

That's it, that all it took for me to break down. He was terrible to me, so mean and hurtful that I died every morning before saying hello to him, scared that he'd ignore me or just leave a kiss on my cheek. I remember when he came home bleeding and I offered to help him and he told me to leave him alone. I mean, he was so good at being a mean person. It scared me. And even though I don't want to tell him this, because surely he doesn't remember, I break down at the memory. I crawl closer to him, like a child who just got hit by their parent. Unconditional love, is what they call it. I hold him close, and sob into his neck. He weeps as well, repeating over and over that he's sorry.

"Maybe we should just be honest with each other." I breath into his neck and look up at him. My eyes fill the tears and I bite on my bottom lip so hard but that doesn't help. I run my hands along his chest, my fingers ache to feel more skin. Even now, amists the chaos, I desire him so.

"Maybe we should be." He frowns, pressing his lips together he pulls away and my heart stops.

He catches my hand in his and walks me over to the floor. We sit down and stare into each other's eyes. "No yelling, no fighting. None of it. Eh?"

"Okay." I sniffle and wipe away my tears quickly. "Okay," I tell him seriously this time.

"You first," he says.

"Okay." fuck. I think. Fuck. Fuck fuck.

hehehehhehe i'm so pumped for 6 :_) today is my friends birthday so we're doing a virtually party :) won't be able to post until later. enjoy your saturday friends!