tangled up in blue

22

love me like you hate me- rainsford

AN- nsfw content ;) -b

Noah

I couldn't open the cabin door fast enough. Tears were already spilling down my face as I paced across the floor, clutching my chest in a fight for air. I thought I was better. I thought I was over it. But it wasn't just that; what Colton had said was like a pair of hands around my throat, squeezing the breath from my lungs until I was nothing but the object of his disgust.

It shouldn't have affected me. It wouldn't have, if it wasn't for one thing.

He was right.

Everything that had been happening to me wasn't normal. Sure, straight people could experiment and still be straight. It was human nature. But for me, it had meant something, and I'd been pushing it down for way too long.

I wanted to throw up or scream or break something, but instead, my body decided to hyperventilate. I'd always been anxious, but I'd never had a panic attack as intense before. I dug my nails into my palms to focus on something, anything other than the image of Jace's lips on mine, the football team laughing as I cried, and the lake where me and my Dad almost died being only a short walk away. I couldn't believe I hadn't realised where I was, though when they'd pulled me out, I'd been unresponsive. Apparently they thought I'd been under too long. My survival was a 'miracle', they'd told me. Some miracle. If anything, being alive was just a cruel confirmation that I didn't belong anywhere. Rejected, even by heaven and hell.

Just as I was starting to suck in air again, the door slammed open. I whirled to see Jace standing there on the rug, frozen at the sight of tear tracks on my face. I couldn't tell if he was angry or concerned.

"What the hell happened to you?" He said bitingly.

Angry. Definitely angry.

"I-It's nothing... please just go-"

"You don't tell me what to do," he growled, storming over to me. My breathing still slightly erratic, I flinched back until my legs hit the bed. "Why are you so fucking upset about those assholes? You know they don't actually think you're gay, right?"

"I said it's nothing," I pleaded breathlessly, digging the heels of my hands into my forehead and turning away from his unbearable eyes.

"The fuck else am I meant to think? How am I meant to know why you're freaking the fuck out when you won't even say anyth-"

"It's the same fucking lake!" I yelled, spinning around to reveal the fresh tears spilling down my flushed porcelain cheeks. He paled as I continued. "It's the same place I almost fucking died Jackson, so forgive me for not being okay. Because I'm fucking not, and I hate that it's always you who sees me like this. It's always you, for everything, and I don't know why."

"Noah, Noah," he said, his voice softening a little as he cautiously stepped forward. "It's okay, alright? I didn't... fuck. I had no idea. I'll call my parents. You don't have to-"

"Shut up," I shouted, tearing a hand through my messy hair. "Just stop. You're not calling them. I don't need your fucking pity when most of the time you're the one making me feel like shit." Even though my words were shaky, he looked like I'd just hit him. I wasn't thinking, but I carried on. "I just saw that place again, and then I get called... that and you do nothing. You do nothing, and then you come here and pretend to care. Please, Jackson. Spare me the bullshit."

At my cold words, that familiar wall I was so used to rebuilt itself in the cement of his eyes. "You're right. I don't care." I bit my trembling bottom lip as I glared at him. "And even if I had defended you, I shouldn't have had to if you weren't a-"