Rescue//Natasha x Reader-Book 2

Without You

AN: trigger warning mention of self harm

*5 years later*
~Natasha~
I need to find Y/N...I wander through the maze of halls and rooms trying to find my best friend and girlfriend. "Y/N?! WHERE ARE YOU?" I shout. Nothing. Then I here a scream, Y/N, I think. I run towards the scream but I never reach it.

I'm shaken awake yet again by another nightmare. I open my sleepy eyes to Clint. "Nat, this has been going on for 5 years now. Don't you think you should talk to someone?" Clint asks me. I sit up, "I don't want to Clint." Is all I say. Clint looks at me sadly pats the bed and gets up. I glance through the crack in the curtains to see snow, great my fifth Christmas without Y/N I roll my eyes. I get up and head to the kitchen and see Bucky making something. "Want some hot cocoa, Nat?" Bucky asks me as I walk in. "Yeah sure," I say dejectedly. I head to the lounge where everyone else is and look out at New York. Fury figured I couldn't be alone and sent me to Avengers tower with everyone else. The tv was on but I just grabbed a chair and sat staring out the window.

Y/N you have to be alive. Maybe this year there will be a Christmas miracle. I want to see your smiling self again. A sudden realisation hits me. Clint is the only one that knows about me and Y/N. Nobody knows that I'm dating her. I let out a sigh.

A tap on my shoulder brings me out and Bucky passed me my hot cocoa, "thanks Buck." I say. I turn to see everyone happy and joking around. There were so many new faces from recent years. I felt so alone, Tony had Pepper and the newbies Peter had Mj, Wanda had her twin Pietro and her boyfriend Vision and Thor was dating some girl called Jane. I felt so alone, small and insignificant in this big old world.

My thoughts wander around all over the place and I come to wonder how it's the 20th December...5 years later. I just can't believe it's been that long without Y/N. I remember when I found out she was depressed and cut and I was devastated. It was a good thing she wasn't here to see my new scars. I was shattered and I didn't know what to do any more, I am lost.

"Nat," Clint's voice broke through my thoughts and I turned to look at him. Everyone was staring at me. I have no clue why and I just stare back. I notice Tony isn't there and he comes in with medical supplies and I look at him confused. "Natasha look at your hand." Tony tells me. I make myself look down and see my mug shattered with the warm liquid everywhere. I see a shard of the mug in my hand and multiple cuts causing me to bleed. "Oh" is all I say. Clint comes over to help Tony clean me up and they pull my sleeve up to access my wounds easier and they see them. The scars. "Nat..." Tony starts then stops not knowing what to say. I look back out the window and let them deal with me.

21st December...again I wake up to nightmares but this time it's Wanda coming to check in on me. I lay in bed for a while before heading to my spot by the window. I know they are talking about me, I know they are watching me but I ignore them. I leave for bed early.

22nd December. Counting the days down till a depressing Christmas. I wake up on my own today but Bucky comes in. "Nat, I believe there is hope in finding her." He starts, "remember Steve thought I was dead. For years. You believe Y/N is out there. She could still be alive and just needs you to come find her. Y/N is alive. You and I both know that." Bucky leaves before I get a chance to say anything but he motivates me into leaving my room. Pepper had made some gingerbread cookies and offered me one. I rewarded her with a smile as I took one. Pepper smiled back at me warmly before walking to everyone else offering them some too.

23rd December, I was dreading Christmas.

24th December. I sit by my window watching the snow and sigh. Yet again another year will pass. Most people would have given up or moved on by now. But I can't do that, not to her. She means too much to me.

Christmas eve, everyone in the world will be happy. The children putting milk and cookies out for Santa. The family dinners before that. Nobody was expecting presents from me, I got out of Christmas after the first one. They still expected me to come to the meals with them. Steve came over and helped me up as I had gotten cramps and he took me to the dinner table where everyone was digging into the food.

Tonight wasn't going to be the big Christmas dinner or lunch it was just some bits and pieces. I just nibbled on some crackers then left.

I went to my room and fell asleep thinking about Y/N.