The Christmas Party

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas

I walked into the office and pulled out my headphones, shocked. It was December first and the entire office transformed over night; it looked like someone let Buddy the Elf loose in the office: Christmas lights were strung around the room and on our desks; a Christmas tree, fully decorated, was in the corner; there were stockings pinned to the wall with all of our names sewn into the fabric; and there were hand-crafted snowflakes hanging from the ceiling.

"What the fuck?" I muttered under my breath.

"Do you like it?"

"Shit!" I exclaimed, almost dropping my coffee when Monica appeared behind me. "Jesus Christ, Monica."

Monica beamed. "I stayed late last night to decorate."

"Wonderful."

"I hope Michael likes it."

As if on queue, Michael, our boss, walked through the office doors.

"Wow!" He exclaimed. "It looks amazing in here!" Monica grinned. "Great job, Party Planning Committee!"

"Thank you," Monica said loudly.

"Kiss ass," I muttered.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"You're such a Grinch," Monica frowned. "It's Christmas time! Be happy and merry."

"And the busiest time of the year," I said, collapsing in my seat.

Monica turned to fawn over the decorations with Michael. I rolled my eyes and turned on my computer, pulling off my gloves and wrapping my chilled fingers around the coffee cup while I read through my emails.

It felt like it hadn't been long enough since my last interaction with Monica, but suddenly she was at my desk again. I looked up and reluctantly pulled out my headphones, trying to convey just how much of an inconvenience it was that Monica was forcing me to pause my music.

"Yes?" I asked.

"I talked with Michael," Monica said, leaning against my desk. Why did she always have to lean against it? I contemplated sharpening the candy canes she hung all over the office and creating palisades around the perimeter of my desk. Surely that was legal. I'd have to ask Thea.

I waited for Monica to elaborate. She didn't. "And?" I asked impatiently.

"We talked about the Christmas party this year."

"I imagine he would talk to the head of the Party Planning Committee about parties."

Monica wasn't deterred by my obvious sarcasm.

"Michael also told me that the Master's project is going to be announced at the holiday party."

"Fantastic," I said, in what could have only been described as the type of affirmation you give to a child when they ask you to watch how fast they can run in their new shoes. Monica's gleeful smirk turned into a frown, puzzled as to why I wasn't begging her for more information.

"You have to be at the Christmas party for the announcement."

"I have to be, huh?"

"Yes, Michael said consideration for the Master's project will be effected for whoever doesn't go."

I eyed Monica, sure she was lying. She had to be; they couldn't force a person to go to the holiday party, could they? What if I didn't celebrate Christmas? Was it too late to fake a religion? Probably.

Michael came out of his office and when he did, Monica looked at me with a devious grin on her face.

"The details of the annual Christmas party are finalized. Monica has the details and will be printing official invitations, but please make sure you are there this year. The company executives from New York will be at the party this year and we need to make a good impression, so this year I will be handing out your Christmas bonuses at the party and announcing who will be working on the Master's project the next quarter. I will tell you now that if you are not at the party you will not receive the project; it's very important that you are all there."

I tried to contain my rising panic as Monica kept her eyes trained on me for any reaction. I coughed to cover the twitch in my eyes.

"Plan to keep Friday, December 18th open on your calendar. We'll have the party at my house." Michael concluded his speech and went back into his office. When I looked at Monica, her smile was as wide as the Grinch's when we came up with his plan to steal Christmas, which I suppose is exactly what Monica was doing to me.

"Guess we'll see you and your girlfriend on the 18th, won't we?" Monica didn't wait for me to respond before she sauntered off with a particularly smug hip swing.

"Can he do that?" I asked Jim, the guy who sat closest to me in the office. He shrugged.

"Will you finally be gracing us with your presence?" Jim asked. I narrowed my eyes and put my headphones back in. I saw him laughing.

I sent Luca a quick text to meet me at Alice's after work and cleared my schedule so I was available to panic the rest of the day.

* * *

The moment work ended I rushed to Alice's and maybe ran a red light or two. I arrived before Luca and ordered a drink. Or two.

"I'm going to need more vodka than that," I said, watching Alice pour my drink.

"Rough day?" she asked in her thick Irish accent.

"You have no idea."

By the time Luca arrived, I was on the second of Alice's heavy-handed drinks.

"What's the emergency?" he asked, plopping down on the barstool and ordering a beer.

"I need help," I groaned.

"What did you do this time?"

"I didn't do anything. Monica did!" I explained Monica's malicious sabotage. Luca laughed. "Why are you laughing at me? This is not funny!"

"It is pretty funny. How did Monica manage to fenagle your boss into making the company holiday party mandatory?"

I groaned and threw my head down on the bar. "I have literally no idea, but I suddenly really empathize with the characters in Hallmark Christmas movies."

Luca laughed again. "Oh, this is great, just really too perfect. I'm living for this."

I glared at Luca.

"She must really wanted to get in your pants."

"No she doesn't! She wants to sabotage me and create my downfall. What do I do?"

"Well there's only one thing to do." I waited for Luca to elaborate. "Let's find you a fake girlfriend!"

I blinked. "What?"

"We need to find someone to pose as your fake girlfriend for the party."

"Absolutely not. Have you seen Hallmark Christmas movies? Have you seen The Proposal? That would be a disaster!"

"This isn't a Hallmark movie, so it might work out. Also didn't they end up together in The Proposal?"

"Luca this isn't a movie! They also got found out in The Proposal!"

"But they found love!"

"I'm not looking for love, I'm looking for a way out of my life."

"A fake girlfriend is your way out of this three-year lie of yourself."

I stared at Luca for a moment.

"I think you should do it," Alice said, walking by and winking at us.

"Have you been listening this entire time?" I asked.

"Of course I have!"

I chewed my lip while Alice and Luca waited expectantly for me to decide what to do.

"Do you want Monica to win?" Luca asked. I thought a moment longer. "What could possibly go wrong? You find a girl to take to a party. You have a few drinks, eat dinner, socialize a bit, then leave."

"Okay, fine."

Luca grinned. "Alice, I think we'll take a bottle of wine."

"Right!" Alice brought over a bottle and opened it for us.

Luca pulled out his phone and started moving through his contacts. "I'll start asking around."

"Okay, wait, wait. There needs to be some ground rules."

"Such as?"

"You need to make it very clear I am not looking for a girlfriend or a relationship. This is a business transaction: they go with me as my pretend date and I give them dinner. That's it."

"It would be so cute if you two fell in love at the end of all this! That's what makes it Hallmark-worthy!"

"You literally said this isn't a Hallmark movie; I don't want a Hallmark movie, dude! I want a one-night-date to take to a party."

"So you want me to ask straight girls?"

"Yes, I need insurance that we won't fall in love."