Loving The Russian Mafia

Chapter 44: His shoulder to cry on

Vienna's POV

"I-I had a miscarriage" I said in a barely audible voice.

About a moment later I looked up at him through my blurred vision as there was complete silence between us. I found him already staring at me with expressions that I couldn't really understand or tell what was going on in his head.

Was he mad at me?

Was he upset with me?

I won't be surprised if he is...because I know it's all my fault and he has all the rights to be mad and upset with me...after all he's the father of the child I lost due to my carelessness.

"Miscarriage" He asked in a low voice as if talking to himself as his eyes flashed with realisation without even my answer as he put everything together in his head. 

I just nodded my head in a yes because I couldn't even manage to utter a single word out of my mouth.

"You were pregnant" He murmured with a raw emotion in his eyes.

"Yes..." I trailed off.

"Yes Ryan, I was pregnant with our baby...with your baby" I said as my shoulders shook as I sobbed uncontrollably.

"Are you lying again" He asked moving a little backwards.

There it is...the question that if I'm lying again...the question that I was expecting already.

Though right now I'm not in the position to feel hurt or offended but it does hurts me to think that now he probably doesn't trusts me like he used to do before which is why he asked me if I'm lying.

But I don't blame him for that...because I did lie before and of course it's obvious for him to be cautious this time and think that probably I'm lying again...it's human nature.

"I swear on our child that I lost, I'm not lying" I replied as he closed his eyes, taking a deep breath as his shoulders sank down a bit in defeat as if maybe this time he was hoping that I was actually lying because I can understand that the thought that he lost his baby...a baby who wasn't even born yet, who didn't even get the chance to live...a baby that he didn't even know existed, must be unbearable for him...just like it was for me.

And it still is.

"Jesus" He murmured face palming himself with his elbows resting on his knees.

"I swear I had no idea that I was pregnant until I lost my baby..." I paused.

"I would have told you instantly if I knew" I continued with a helpless shrug as he left his place next to me and started pacing around in front of me once again.

"Ryan please say something" I pleaded as I felt his silence slowly eating me up.

"Please Ryan...your silence is killing me" I said desperately.

"Just yell at me...accuse me that it's my fault...do whatever you want, just let all your anger...your pain...whatever emotions you are feeling right now, on me but just talk to me, don't punish me with your silence...please" I added as he stopped pacing around to look at me before coming and sitting in front of me on his knees with his arms resting on my lap.

"How come you never realised that you were pregnant Vienna" He asked finally breaking his silence as I closed my eyes feeling as if he just accused me that I lost our child due to my carelessness...which is true to be honest.

It is my fault.

"I'm sorry Ryan...I'm just so sorry and that's the only answer I have to all your questions. I know it's all my fault and I'll forever be sorry for that" I replied staring down at my lap as I just couldn't look up into his accusing eyes.

"Hey. Hey" He said in a rushed manner, cupping my cheeks and making me look up at him.

"I didn't mean it like that sweetheart..." He trailed off.

"Fuck!" He cursed.

"I know it might have sounded like I was blaming you for our loss but I swear, I wasn't...I can never blame you for this, because I know that it's not your fault love" He said softly.

"No. It is my fault...only if I had been a little more carefully then today our baby would still have been with us...growing inside me right now" I replied shaking my head.

"Hey. Just look at me" He said as I looked up at him again.

"It was not your fault, okay. You had no idea that you were pregnant so stop blaming yourself for this" He added.

"And if you still believe that it's your fault then fine, it's my fault too because I wasn't there with you when you needed me the most, I wasn't there to take care of you and our unborn child...I wasn't there for my own child...so if it's your fault, then it's equally my fault too" He said as I found myself a bit confused at his words.

How can he say that it's his fault too when he had no idea about my pregnancy in the first place?

"That baby wasn't just your responsibility, it was mine too...so if you are to be blamed for our loss then I'm equally to be blamed for it" He added.

"No, you are not Ryan. It's not your fault...you didn't even know about it..." I replied as he interrupted me.

"Exactly what I'm trying to get at" He said before hopping up and sitting next to me again.

"I had no idea and neither did you, so how can you blame yourself for this...no mother in this world would ever purposely harm her own child love, so how can you say that it's your fault" He added.

"But that still doesn't ease my pain Ryan and it never will..." I trailed off.

"We lost our first child" I murmured a moment later as I could see the tears gathering in his eyes which I know he was so badly holding back.

Without saying another word he just embraced me in a warm, comforting hug which was probably the only thing I needed right now...his shoulder to cry on...to shed the tears that I have been holding back for months.

"All that time when I was lying to you about being pregnant...I was actually pregnant and I didn't even know about it and I even planned to lie to you about getting an abortion so that you could hate me and just let me go" I said leaning onto him.

"In the process of getting away from you I didn't even realize that unintentionally I made a joke of motherhood...maybe that's the reason why God punished me like this" I added glancing up at him as he cupped my cheek.

"No. Don't say it like that love...it's not your fault" He replied placing a soft kiss on my forehead.

"I agree that we have both made some mistakes. Forcing you to marry me was mine and I accept that what I was trying to do was wrong and you just retaliated and did what you thought was best at that moment...to get away from me and escape that forced wedding" He said as I rested my head back on his chest.

"Maybe those pictures where Jason was proposing you hit my ego somehow and without even realising it I took you as a challenge" He added.

"Unknowingly we both jumped into some kind of competition I guess, where I just wanted to hold onto you and you wanted your freedom and winning against eachother was what we both wanted..." He trailed off.

"But at the end of the day we both lost" He added with a sigh.

"I'm sorry Ryan..." I whispered clutching his shirt which was now slightly wet due to my tears.

"I'm sorry too love..." He replied.

"Shh..." He whispered a moment later, rubbing my back gently as I cried in his protective arms and it wasn't too long until I felt some wetness on my forehead which made me realize that he was crying too. 

We stayed in each others arms as we grieved our baby together.

•••

Hey guys,

Got nothing much to say today so...

Anyways,

Please vote, comment and share.

Until next time.

Love,

Crystal ❤️