Sasquatch to the Moon

4: Four Taps Means I Wish We Were Safe

ROCKET

Four taps means I wish we were safe here.

Four taps we hadn't figured out how to use until playoffs. The first time I used four taps was the morning after the team tossed our razors and got ready for the first few games. I like him, probably too much, with that scrappy little five o'clock anti-shadow dusting of hair on his chin and I used four taps to tell him he looked good in the locker room. Just four taps of my stick on the floor. What made it worth it, because I didn't think four taps was worth it, was when he tapped back. It was his idea at first, I thought we were good with yes, no, and three for a question. He wanted another so I went with it, not really sure why he would want the fourth but I was willing to learn what he means with it.

Four taps means I wish I could love you here. At some points, it's a stand in for a hug and a kiss, sometimes it's a stand in for a couple of reassuring words, sometimes it's just a stand in for emotional support we can't give each other in the moment.

I pat his back four times after he scores a game winning goal in Chicago. He pats my helmet four times after I make a record book save. I tap the ground four times from across the locker room as we secure the third win in the series, meaning we only need one more in Chicago.

After the next loss I tap him four times on the shoulder on his way into the locker room and he taps his stick four times on my shinpad.

After the Chicago series win we have a series win hug, one of the best types of hockey hugs, because we were moving on to the next round. He slapped my back four times and I rattled his cage in return.

During the short break between the Chicago series and the Wild series, four taps sort of disappeared again. We had five days of eerie lull practice getting ready for the next slog of playoff games. We only used yes, no, and a question tap during that time. We didn't feel the need to do four except in three situations.

Four taps after I beat him at ping pong on day four of the lull time during one of our frequent ping pong get-togethers.

Four taps over a quiet dinner table because we were both too exhausted to say much to each other.

Four taps after I took a ringer to the wrist on the first day and was diagnosed pretty quick with a glove side sprain. Not good for a playoff headed goaltender. That night I showed up to his apartment. We hadn't been planning on spending time together that night, mostly because we work with each other all day every day and sometimes we need alone time, but I was in the middle of a panic attack.

I had tried my damn hardest to limit my outside stimulus because I was far past overwhelmed by goddamn everything. I clicked the door shut and the noise sounded so loud that I yelped a little. The heating was too loud and I kept tripping on little things. I really tried to solve it. I even turned off all the lights, but everything was moving too fast in my head and I was starting to freak out and get restless all the way down to having my tics show up again.

I know how to handle those. I know that getting up and taking a cold shower is one of the best ways to do that, going on a run also helps, but I was already exhausted.

In a lapse of judgement, I got in the car. Håkon is in no way equipped to handle someone else's mental struggle and I didn't ask him if he was okay with me coming over in that type of state which is always important to ask because sometimes the other person isn't going to be able to handle it.

I didn't really think about that. I just parked behind his car and tried not to focus on the way my feet were making horrible crunching noises in the snow and how suddenly the scuff on the front of my shoe was driving me absolutely insane and how there was paint chipping off the house and how there were a hundred million things coming at me at the speed of light and how the sprained wrist was very much a bad thing for everything I was about to do in any situation I was about to get into.