floating | ✓

44| letter

“You are the death of me.You are the storm breaking my walls. You are the dream.”

- something Oliver Carlson will never say out loud.

44| letter

Hey Gwen,

It’s 3 in the morning. I am rubbing my eyes as I am writing this, and this is my 30th try, as I don’t really know what I am supposed to write or supposed to tell you. I want to tell you the truth. The truth that has been lodged in my throat, the truth that changes everything for you and me. Maybe I am so scared to tell you because it has been forever. I have become so used to hiding my feelings and suppressing the truth that every time I attempt to tell you ,the words don’t get past the barrier of my mouth. I swear to God, Gwen, I really, really want you to know. I need you to know.

Ever since you have known me, you saw the real me. It’s me, the guy who doesn’t talk, who doesn’t share his opinions, who doesn’t smile, who doesn’t respond or get affected by anything that happens around him. I am not fun. I am a mess. I am not someone who has good looks, and heck, when I stand next to my brother, I look like trash. That’s me, and you have known that since day one.

But Gwen, I don’t know how you still look at me with those distractingly beautiful brown eyes of yours with the look of… I don’t know how to explain that, but you just do. You make me come out of my shell and go out with you at midnight, make me ride on a ferris wheel with you and want to take a swim. Even when you see my robots and what a geek I am, you still look at me like I am someone, someone likeable. Even when I strip in front of you just after you get flashed by my perfect brother, you look at me like I am the one who’s perfect.

Gwen, I am warning you that I am not. I don’t know what you think of me, but at the end of the day, when I look at you, I think I don’t deserve you. I think, what did I do to get that beautiful smile from you? I don’t know how you found me and crashed into my life like that.

But I know something. Without you, everything would be empty. I might not have feelings. I might not have a heart, but without you, I would be an empty shell. 

It was almost one and a half years ago. It was Doughty’s birthday party. I was forced to go by Jason, and I was hating every single second of it. I had just gotten out of a shitty relationship, and my thoughts on love and trust and everything about it was on the edge. I was becoming someone who’d rather stay away from everyone else on earth and only let someone in if it was very, very necessary.

Gwen, my mom and dad had gotten divorced, and I had seen how bad my mother had suffered because she loved my dad. And I hated the idea of falling for someone, the idea of being so vulnerable towards someone, the idea of giving my heart to someone and worse, trusting them with everything I’ve got.

I hated everything.

At the party, I was standing in one corner, minding my own business, not giving a single damn about the people around me. I was shutting everyone out, as usual. Jason was trying to get me to talk to people, but at one point he gave up. I was angry, and I was about to leave.

Then I heard you laugh. As you know, the sounds from this stupid outside world don’t reach me, but for some reason that did. It was not a fake laugh, not someone who’s laughing uncontrollably because they are drunk. No, it was you laughing your heart out because you were genuinely happy.