Fuck Feelings

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Out of everything that had happened in the library earlier, one specific moment replayed over and over in my mind. It was the moment that Snape placed his hand on my cheek, his strong but gentle touch wiping away my tears. My sexual attraction towards him was incredibly intense, but the romantic attraction I was beginning to develop towards him was equally as strong. I yearned for him to hug me, hold me, kiss me - so badly that it hurt.

All of this over one stupid touch.

Yet, it was so much more than that. Every time I looked into his eyes, which were the darkest shade of brown I could imagine, it was like I never wanted to look away. Although his expression almost always remained totally stoic, there was so much emotion behind his eyes. More than anything, I saw pain in them. I saw a man who put up a cold and uncaring front to hide his brokenness. I saw a man who was hurting terribly on the inside, but refused to show weakness. I wished, more than anything, that he would open up to me.

After dinner, I decided to go to Snape's room, like he had requested me to do. I arrived at his door and knocked softly, and it opened almost immediately. Severus was still in his typical work outfit, yet he looked more tired than usual. His hair was slightly messy, and his expression was softer than usual. He gestured for me to come into his office for the first time, and I entered, not quite sure what to expect.

It was quite a simple space - he had the same kind of desk and chair as me, but a nicer dark green velvet armchair in one corner of the room. A few dim lamps were placed around the room, casting a soft golden glow throughout. There were quite a few books stacked up on his bedside table - just as I expected, since Severus was always reading. The door to his bedroom was closed, but I assumed it was also just like my own.

There was one thing in his room that immediately stood out to me. It was a tall, wide but thin object that stood on the left side of the room, near the wall. A large rug was draped over it, so I couldn't tell anything about it but the shape. At this point, I knew better than to ask Severus questions about personal things, so I decided to keep my mouth shut.

Snape walked over the velvet armchair that was in and sat down, leaning back and sighing comfortably. He tilted his chin back and trailed his eyes down the length of my body, before meeting my eyes again. I blushed.

"Why'd you ask me to come here, Severus?" I asked.

"Are you and Diggory in a relationship?"

His question caught me off guard, and I laughed nervously. "No, we aren't. Why would you think that?"

He smirked and picked up the glass of whiskey that sat on the table next to him. "My apologies, it's just that - the vivid scenarios he was imagining about what he wanted to do with you were simply too loud for me to ignore. I simply assumed..." Snape took a moment to take a sip of the whiskey in his hand before setting it down again. "But I see now that I am wrong."

"You read Cedric's mind?!?"

"As I said, it was too loud to ignore. He was practically drooling, couldn't you see that? Not that I can blame him, of course," Severus said, taking another sip of his drink.

I crossed my arms, feeling embarrassed and slightly angry that Severus had looked into my ex-boyfriend's mind. "Not that it's any of your business, but - we used to date. Through 6th and 7th year."

Severus snickered lightly. "Ah, that explains it."

I glared at him. "It's not okay to just prod into whoever's minds you want to. That's very invasive."

He set down his glass and stood up, causing a swarm of butterflies to erupt in my stomach. "If I'm not mistaken, Lyra," he said smoothly, stepping towards me, "you quite enjoy when I look into your mind. Why must you make a fuss about everything?"

I stared into his eyes, feeling all of my anger begin to melt away. "That's...that's different," I said softly, looking away.

When I looked back up, Severus was right in front of me, looking down at me with a humored expression on his face. He looked more relaxed than I was used to seeing him, and I couldn't help but smile. "I-"

I stopped myself, and looked away again.

"Hm?" Severus furrowed his brow slightly and leaned towards me even closer.

"Why... why don't you ever kiss me, Severus?" I asked quietly, reaching forward gently to touch his arm.

He quickly stepped back and narrowed his eyes. Any softness that had been in his expression had suddenly left. "What exactly do you think you're doing?" he snapped.

My heart dropped. "I-"

"I don't know what kind of a relationship you think that we have, but perhaps I should remind you that it is a strictly sexual relationship, and it will stay that way." His tone was suddenly cold and distant, causing my stomach to fill with dread and regret.

I opened my mouth to respond, but to my horror, I felt a lump grow in my throat and tears spring to my eyes. I spun around and ran out of his office, not stopping until I was back in my room. I slammed the door shut and leaned against it, burying my face in my hands and starting to cry.

I decided that I needed to start to distance myself from Severus before my feelings grew even stronger. Of course, him being my boss and all, distancing myself from him might be hard, but I would have to do my best. I also vowed to not do anything sexual with him, and although that would certainly be hard, it was necessary. Being intimate with him would only make things more difficult.

Fuck feelings, I thought, as I kicked off my shoes and got into bed. And fuck you, Severus Snape. Fuck you for making me feel this way.

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