Gone Girl

Chapter 28

Fuck. How could I be so stupid?

"You fucking idiot!" I scream at Alex and he turns to me in shock, slowly getting up from the bed.

"You didn't even bother to put a condom on?" I hiss at him.

"I don't- don't remember," he stutters and looks at me.

I can't believe it... no. It cannot be real.

"Get out," I mutter and he gets out of the bed as fast as he can.

Fuck. Now I'll have to get plan b. I will get it this morning, it's fucking four AM.

Now thinking back to how Derek reacted...

He was jealous. Without any shade of doubt, but why?

I always push him away, I treat him badly and the only thing that is between us is attraction.

I admit it. I'm attracted to Derek. Nothing more.

Maybe he got the wrong idea.

Flashes of him smiling at me, hugging me, and saving me from dangerous situations flood my mind and I involuntarily smile.

No, Ronnie, get it together. I can't let my guard down. I don't like Derek.

I don't like Derek. I don't care what he thinks of me. I don't care that he caught me...

My eyes are watery. Why do I feel this way? Why is my heart breaking at the sole thought of his disappointed face?

All I want to do is find him, tell him-

What? Tell him what? I have no excuse for it, nor it would make any sense. He means nothing to me. And I mean nothing to him, right?

I get up from the bed but I trip and end up falling, I can still feel the alcohol pumping through my body. I feel disgusting. I feel worthless, all over again.

I can't shake the feeling of regret that invades my mind every time I think about what I did with Alex, what I did to Derek.

The party is still going and although people aren't as loud, the music is.

I slowly close the door behind me, standing in the hallway.

Two people are kissing right in front of me and I just walk past them.

I want to talk to Derek but I know I shouldn't. I shouldn't act like I did something bad because it would express that he means something to me.

As I wobble walking to the kitchen, my eyes fall on Olivia and Derek... being super close and flirty with each other.

I push back some tears threatening to come out. I never felt anything like this before.

It's not disappointed. No.

I'm hurt.

Every time he talks she tilts her head back, laughing obnoxiously. I just stare at them in disbelief for a couple of seconds, trying to not cry.

I deserve this. I walk to the kitchen counters and I look for the vodka and I drink straight from it.

The burning liquid lingering down my throat but I don't stop. I can't, I'm too sober for this. I can't look at them.