The Deal

The Mugwort

H

I no longer find crystals in my pockets.

Throughout this past year, every now and then, I would find strange trinkets in my jacket pockets, duffle bag at work, or in odd spots around my house. An array of colored stones left on counters, bird feathers tucked into pages of books, sea glass on my windowsills, strange eye-shaped things in my pants, and other oddities would appear out of nowhere.

Confronting Nova on the source of these objects would only lead to an innocent shrug and mischievous giggle.

Despite me not knowing their uses or really believing in their power, I've kept them all. It felt wrong to toss them aside or throw them out. That would be a disservice to Nova's kindness and strong beliefs.

Most of the charms have been stuffed into the drawers of my dresser and the stockpile of stones I don't know the purpose of sit in a crystal bowl atop my dresser.

There's only one thing I've kept with me since the day Nova handed it to me in person.

The rough tourmaline stone she gave me in that garden behind the shop the first —but, certainly not last— time I failed her. I still remember the disappointment in her tone and how she wouldn't meet my eyes, as she ended our deal that first time, but still explained the stone's protective purpose with great care. A parting gift.

I've kept it on my person ever since, often finding myself toying with it or rubbing the rock's rough edges when I'm nervous or frustrated.

Both of which, I've been a lot lately.

I still don't really believe a stone can protect you or ward off evil, but Nova gave it to me because she believed the tourmaline crystal would keep me safe. So, I wear it for Nova. And, honestly, there's a sense of comfort I get in keeping it on me. Not because I think it works, but because it reminds me of her. It reminds me of that day I hurt her so badly, the day I swore never to betray her again.

How quickly and deeply I failed to keep that vow.

It's this stone that falls out of my locker when I pull my duffel bag out that makes me realize the random gift giving has seized. Fresh out of the shower after an intense training session where I almost bruised my knuckles from hitting the bag so hard, I went to change and heard the sharp clink of the stone hitting the dirty linoleum floor.

I sit on the bench, water dripping down my hair, clad in only a towel as I rub the stone between my palm, seeing Nova's reflection on the rough, inky surface.

The trembling of her full lips and the painfully open, sorrowful blue of her eyes as she bared her soul to me in that alleyway. Then, the horrible sound of my laughter echoing off the buildings and rustling the trees.

My head falls into my hands with a groan, the memory hauntingly clear and nearly consistent in my mind since it happened. I've spent the last few days careening between disbelief, shock, confusion, and finally anger. Utterly frustrated with myself for that awful reaction and for not opening my eyes to what was so obvious.

It's like I'd completely shut off the part of my brain that can read people or see the signs right in front of me. So focused on my own shit, on Liam's shit, on Zoe... that I didn't even notice how Nova's heart had turned until it was too late.

I was so blind.

Now, she definitely hates me. The kindest and purest person I know and I laughed in her face when she told me she loved me. It was not meant to be malicious or cruel, just an involuntary reaction to hearing something I had never once thought possible, never once considered. But, the way her face completely transformed into raw shock and utter humiliation... the way she quickly looked down at her feet, cheeks burning, and pursed her lips to keep from crying as her eyes welled with tears...