The Crimson Queen

18. Regrets

Theodore stopped breathing. His heart felt like it'd been pierced resulting in a pain that was nothing compared to anything he'd every felt before. Not even on the frontlines during the war.

His eyes stung, as he fought back tears.

"You-," he choked on his words. "You're not coming back?" He whispered, as his heart seemed to break into a million pieces.

"Please answer my question.." Alice looked down at their hands. The more she tried to see the good in him the more he seemed to make everything more complicated again.

Theodore ripped his hand out of hers and got up from the bed abruptly.

Tears clouded his vision, as he stood there with his back to her. He'd almost never shed tears but this was to much even for him.

"I'd- I've told you haven't I?!" He almost yelled. "I'd respect your decision..." he added in a whisper, as he stroked his hand through his hair, trying to compose himself. He wasn't sure if he could truly respect her decision but he'd sworn to try.

Alice got up from the bedside. "I just- I needed to come back here, to think everything over, and you being here is making it so much more difficult." Alice tried to explain.

His defensive, heart crushed feelings, made him want to fight about this.

He turned to her in one swift movement, "what is there to overthink? I know that I've messed up in the past but I'm really, really trying to undo it!" He argued and now Alice saw the tears that managed to escape his eyes, before he aggressively wiped them off his face.

"You've killed innocent people! I know that this is in the past but you've taken the lives of Otis, of Samuel, you almost killed my brother!"She yelled as anger overcame her.

"These aren't things I can just forget about!" She added.

"I fucking know that! You don't know how much I regret all of that! Besides I've apologized!" He tried to defend himself, reaching out his palm as he spoke.

"I know that you're sorry and I do believe you, but that doesn't fix anything," Alice cried out as she burst into tears.

Theodore stepped closer to Alice, trying to say something but nothing came out his mouth, as he shed silent tears of guilt.

"You beat me, you starved me, you degraded me and-" her voice let out for a second. "- and I'm just supposed to forget everything?" She asked him as she walked past him. She couldn't look directly at him.

She circled the bed and took a seat again as she rested her face in her palms. As she sat there and her eyes spilled of tears a single drop landed on her tattoo and rolled down her arm.

He'd been regretting everything from the first moment that he knew the truth, but the fact that she was now saying these accusations out loud made it realer to him in a horribly painful way.

"I'm still scared of you." She sobbed, no longer being able to control herself.

To Theodore it felt like a second dagger had just pierced his heart.

He was out of words as waves of numbness and waves of pain came crashing down on him simultaneously.

Her weeping, was the only sound he could hear beside the sound of his heart beating in his ears. It drove him insane.

At this rate he would lose her. He'd lose the one good trait he had.

Her.

But what did he have left to give her? She didn't want to be his queen, she didn't want his country and she didn't want his presence.

He had to do something. He joined Alice on the other side of the big bed, where he knelt down in front of the woman who was still weeping into her palms.

Sitting on both knees he gently raised up his hands and took hers into his own. "Please, Alice." He cried, as he let his head hang between his arms.

"There is not a moment that goes by where I don't regret the things I've done!" He shouted in between sobs.

He would have done anything. Anything to let her allow him to stay with her.

"I'm a horrible person, who's done horribly messed up things but I promise I'll do anything to make it better! I want to become a better person, I really fucking do."

He cried as his grip on her small hands turned firmer.

"So please, give me chance! I beg of you." He blinked through the tears to the ground, not daring to look up.

He pressed his eyes shut, sincerely scared of her answer.

Alice didn't know what to say. She wanted more than anything to come back to Walzenor with Theodore at one point. She wanted to give him a chance to prove himself, and she had seen the good in him before. She knew that he could be good but she had a lot of things she still needed to do here.

And with her brother now dead, who would lead Lyria after her parents had passed?

"I need to save Lyria." Her voice came out hushed.

Before Theodore could say anything she went on, "this war has taken a toll on my people, and they need help, and I know I can change something here for the better." She explained quietly as her crying subsided slowly as she sniffled while speaking.

Theodore raised his head and looked not at Alice but at the true princess of Lyria.

She'd changed since they met. She was stronger, and more determined. But all that didn't matter if she wouldn't allow him to be with her.

Still holding her hands he spoke, "Let me help you. You've done everything for me, so let me help you save your country."

"What about Walzenor? What about Jaxon? What if this takes a while?"

The kings blue eyes never left her as he thought on it shortly.

"Then we should get to work soon." He beamed up at her, feeling a spark of hope.

Alice couldn't help but melt, because of his dedication to helping her and her country.

Maybe if they would be more open to one another they could actually become a team again and do what was right, the princess thought.