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Lexi

I hold my book as I read in bed, trying to distract myself. My knees are brought to my chest and I curl up on my bed, getting comfortable. The only thoughts that have been running through my mind if what happened a few nights ago. Judd and I had our first night together where we started doing more. It was comforting to know he cares so much about me.

My mind has just been reeling about what might happen next. And all I've been thinking about is wanting to lose my virginity to my boyfriend. He had allowed me to take my time to get accommodated with no clothes, and we had spent hours just touching and kissing each other. I had never felt so sure about anything before, and I know that my feelings for him are strong.

Due to my distraction, I skipped class today. I'd been in my head, but it's not a bad thing. It's just a new experience and I'm getting used to it.

There's a knock on my door and I tell them to come in, my head turning to look at the visitor. Judd walks in and shuts the door, walking towards me.

"Someone didn't come to class today and I think I know what's going on," is the first thing he says, his body sitting in front of me.

"What's going on then?" I ask, his hand grabbing mine.

"Lexi, if what happened was too much, please tell me," he says, my hand setting the book down.

"Judd, I'm perfectly fine, baby," I grin, moving to kneel in front of him.

"It just seemed like you didn't even want to see me," he tells me, letting me know what's on his mind. Come to think of it, that's probably what I did seem like and now I feel bad.

"No, no. Shit, I'm so sorry. My mind has just been so distracted and I didn't think going to class was going to be beneficial. I wouldn't have paid attention and I didn't want to be there," I start, moving to run my fingers through his hair. His green eyes look right into mine and I move closer to him.

"Judd, I've just been thinking about us. All good things, I promise," I explain, his eyes looking at me so softly.

"The last thing I want is for you to avoid me," he says, "Actually the last thing I want right now is for you to leave me."

My heart breaks at the words, because that's the last thing I want right now.

"Judd, do you want me to tell you what's on my mind?" I ask, his arm wrapping around me.

"I always want you to tell me what's on your mind. And I've been driving myself crazy thinking that I pressured you into doing some-"

My hand grabs his face and I kiss him, shutting him up the same way he shuts me up. I part the kiss and look up at him, his eyes parted as he looks at me.

"I wanna have sex with you," I whisper, telling him exactly what's on my mind. I can see his breath hitch in his throat and I know he doesn't know how to respond, and he doesn't need to. It's a lot of information for him to take in, especially considering the fact that I'm a virgin.

"That's all I've been thinking about. Doing that with you," I explain, my arm resting on his shoulder so my hand can run through his hair. I've noticed how much he likes the gesture, and I've always found it cute how much he like it. It's almost as if it soothes him, the same way he soothes me when he grabs my cheeks.

"And I'm not saying now, or like tomorrow, but I think I'll be ready soon," I explain, his eyes looking into mine. His hand reaches up to grab my cheek and I close my eyes, his lips pressing to mine shortly after.

"I'm not going to let you go," he whispers to me, making me smile. I kiss him again and say the same thing back to him, letting him know that I'm his.

"Do you want to go and get dinner later? I have practice until 6," he asks, and I nod. He gets up and leans down, kissing me quickly.

"Be safe, Judd," I tell him, standing to give him a hug.

"I'll be safe just for you," he smiles down at me, kissing the tip of my nose.

He goes and I take a seat back on the bed, reading through some of the book. But I'm once again distracted, and I get up and go to Margo's room.

"I have a question," I state, and she looks up at me from her desk. She doesn't say anything, but instead opens her drawer and grabs something. She holds it out to me and I take it, immediately rolling my eyes when I see that it's a condom.

"This is not what I was going to ask," I sigh, but decide to pocket the condom just to keep in my drawer.

"What's up, Lex?" she asks, and I sit on her bed.

"What should I expect when I have sex?" I ask, her body turning in the chair. I can see she's almost surprised at my words, but I know she's been waiting for this kind of conversation with me. She's been trying to get me to have fun with guys since we were seventeen, when she lost her virginity. All I was told was 'you're missing out', but I didn't care at the time.

"How far have you gotten?" she asks, but I know she doesn't ask for details. She's asking so she understands where I'm at. Margo can read me like a book; we've been friends since middle school.

"We've only touched each other. We didn't do the...oral stuff," I explain, her head nodding.

"Well, do you feel ready to fully have sex? Oral is really intimate, I know, but sometimes it helps get your body ready to make sex easier," she says, and I bite my lower lip. I hadn't thought about having oral sex but I wonder if it would be better to try that first.

"How would it make sex easier?" I ask, trying to figure everything out. I feel better asking her than I do Judd, simply because our bodies function differently. That, and I don't think Judd understands women's bodies.

"So, when I lost my virginity, he didn't use lube. And I don't think I was aroused enough to where it was comfortable. Yeah, the condom had a lubricant to it, but you have to be wet down there," she explains, my head nodding. I get that way anyways whenever Judd and I make out, because that man is really good at making me feel good.

"Having oral sex helps. Trust me, and if he doesn't want to do that, it's alright. Foreplay is so important, Lexi. Trust me, because that helps your body get ready for the whole sex experience," she tells me. It makes sense, and now I'm nervous simply because I know of Judd's body. He's a big guy and I'm worried it's going to hurt.

"Does it hurt?" I ask, and she shrugs.

"It's more uncomfortable than painful, if you ask me. It's something entering you for the first time and it's kind of weird. It gets better once he moves," she says, and I nod.

"Thanks for helping," I tell her and she opens her arms. I hug her and she tells me just to make sure I'm sure before I do anything.

I go back to my room and pull the condom out of my pocket, looking at it. I had never had one in front of me before. In health class, our teacher showed us one and all I could think about was how much it resembled a balloon. It's not at all what a balloon is like though.

My hand grabs my phone and I look through a few pictures Judd and I had taken. We've had some friends take pictures of us and I think it's cute how much taller he is than I am. He's quite literally twice my size. His weight is on the roster and I saw that his weight is twice mine and he's 6'4. I'm 5'3, so almost a foot taller than me.

But he makes sure he accommodates to me, either bending down slightly or lifting me to kiss me. It was when he first kissed me in the bar by lifting me up I knew he was already considerate. That, and he was probably pissed off that I withheld a kiss for so long so he lifted me up to prove a point.

The more I think about it, the more I realize just how far in over my head I am. All I'm thinking about is him and I'm coming to terms that what I'm feeling for him is strong. 

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