The Smile Has Left Your Eyes

Chapter Seven

Aspen

What did I just do?

The second those forbidden words spilled from my mouth, the joint fell from my fingers and dropped through a hole on the platform.

I averted my gaze from Isa, my body frozen and rigid with wide, startled eyes.

There was no way I just said that...

I slowly raised my eyes to gauge her reaction. She was the only other person I truly considered a friend besides Rafe.

Her brownish-pink upper lip pulled up, her eyebrows knitted, and nose wrinkled.

A look of disgust.

"Wait—" I reached my hand out in a panic, but she flinched away from my touch.

Isa paused for a second before rushing to her feet. She glanced at me one more time before she shook her head in disapproval and descended the structure.

Regret. A suffocating, all-consuming regret. Even in my drunken state, I recognized the unsettling feeling making its way into the back of my mind and the pit of my stomach.

Oh shit... Oh shit! What possessed me to think I could say that to someone who was openly homophobic?? Dammit!

I watched her body disappear down the street. I wanted to run after her and make up some lie. I wanted to pretend it was a joke or at least ask her to not tell anyone, but my energy was spent and I could barely move. She was too far away and walking too fast for me to catch up.

I let out a shaky breath. Why did I do that? Why did I say that? Why would I... Fuck! I'd spent years trying to keep my sexuality to myself. I let my brother fucking torture me... yet some measly alcohol messed everything up. Years' worth of nothing but pain and hurt, and I'd thrown it all away because I got drunk...

It wasn't even my first time, so why? Why now? Was it because I couldn't take it anymore? Because I'd hit my limit and was just so sick of keeping everything to myself?

Her silence afterward only made my discomfort spike. The uncertainty surrounding how she would handle that information tormented my mind.

I chewed on my torn-up lip, warm liquid spilling into my mouth and coating my teeth in a red film. Was she going to tell everyone at school? Would she post about it on social media or send a text to our group chat? Or on the off chance, would Isa keep it to herself? Probably not...

It was all utterly ridiculous, this whole situation. Why did the people here care so much about who I slept with? It had nothing to do with them and affected no one but myself. Was it because I couldn't have kids? The world was already overpopulated. If anything, I'd be doing people a favor. That and I didn't want any in the first place, which had nothing to do with who I'd like to share my bed with. Because it was unnatural? Who the hell decided that? What was unnatural about it? Because it was against their religion? Now that was a crap excuse. People who used their religion as an excuse to oppress, discriminate, and hate against others were worse than the very people they deemed sinners.

It was laughable. It was fucking laughable. I couldn't help the twisted smile that formed on my mouth. I began to snicker.

I was fucked.

And the reason was absolutely ludicrous.

"Fuck!" I smiled with a full-hearted laugh. I laughed so hard I started to wheeze and hiccup. Those hiccups were soon accompanied by sniffles. I couldn't breathe, and suddenly, warm liquid spilled down my cheeks. I lowered my head to look at my legs. They were bent in an uncomfortable position, but I couldn't move them. If it was because I was drunk and out of my mind, or if the cold had numbed me to the point where I physically couldn't feel the appendages, I wasn't sure. I simultaneously laughed and cried because there was nothing else I could do. I threw my head back, banging it on the cold, hard metal pole over and over again.