Fuck bro

My mom asked me if I'm willing to spend like all day in a line for a krispy kreme that's opening tomorrow. 
          
          
          
          
          I said yes.

I am 1 hour into a 3 hour stream that happened a month ago. Why am I watching this? Well, because it is a stream of the one and only Ethan Nestor. And I love him so much that I am willing to waste 3 hours of my life watching this 23 year old man play video games and be absolutely adorable. There's also the fact that him and his videos are really calming to me, and 3 hours of calming, adorable, CrankGameplays-ness is exactly what I need.

I'm extremely tempted to ask my mom when the next family thing is so I can see this guy. I know I really shouldn't like him, even considering our age gap, but I actually can't help it. I'm crushing on him AND Ethan Nestor, I lowkey- jsbdbbdbdbfhdhcjjchffhhfjfjgj want to die rn. On the one hand, liking Ethan is great because I can talk about him and read about him and he won't even know because he doesn't even know I exist. On the other hand, with the family friend guy, I can actually see him, and talk to him and hug him and he knows I exist but they're both way older than me.

I'm extremely tempted to ask my mom when the next family thing is so I can see this guy. I know I really shouldn't like him, even considering our age gap, but I actually can't help it. I'm crushing on him AND Ethan Nestor, I lowkey- jsbdbbdbdbfhdhcjjchffhhfjfjgj want to die rn. On the one hand, liking Ethan is great because I can talk about him and read about him and he won't even know because he doesn't even know I exist. On the other hand, with the family friend guy, I can actually see him, and talk to him and hug him and he knows I exist but they're both way older than me.

Update on the guy I really shouldn't like.
          I saw him again today. Thing is, he's a family friend and there was a family thing, blah blah blah. Found out he's 18. And then he bothered me to play football with him, which I didn't. Then he made fun of me, then called me his best friend. Then we (me, him, his brother, his sister and all our parents) left the family thing. He hugged me. And we all went to timmies (Canadian coffee place). We all got coffee and food and stuff and there was a dairy Queen near us so we all went to check it out. And he had Wendy's fries that were way too salty, and he told me to try one, and pulled me back so I could try a fry. And we got to dairy Queen and it was drive through only. So he walked through the drive through, and we didn't get ice cream so we all drove in the blah blah blah. And then we all drove to his house, I was in the car with my parents and his sister and he was in the car with his brother and parents. When we got there he got out of the car and waved, I thought he was waving at his sister who waved back but he was like "I'm not waving at you, I'm waving at ***"  (me). And I smiled. Then I went in his house to see his cats and I had to leave soon after, and he hugged me again. Blah blah blah, I did end up playing a liiiiittle football with him. But yeah, today was kinda cool.

I hate myself. I hate myself. I'm useless, Why the fuck do I get so upset over literally nothing. Shut up shut up. FUCK MAN. I wanna KMS. I KNOOOW that people love me and care or whatever but I don't care. I genuinely hate it here. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I always feel like a burden, I'm sick of people treating me like I'm stupid and making me want to cry when I'm supposed to be laughing. I shouldn't have to feel this way. I hate this I hate feeling so alone I miss my friends I miss them. I can't stand to be alone with my own mind I ruin everything I'm so annoying I hate this. I just wish I had someone like them to talk to. I wish I didn't ruin my life. I RUINED E V E R Y T H I N G. because I couldn't just keep my mouth shut. I miss m**, and u**, and e***** and y****** and t*****. N*** too, it's so fucking stupid.

I LEGIT!!! Think, I am, an insomniac. It's 3am!! And I swear to fuck I haven't slept in like 3 days. What the absolutwe fuck? I REALLY need some friends, I have nobody to talk to while my mind is R A C I N G! I also believe I am philophobic, as I can think of relationships and love n' stuff but, when I actually get INTO a relationship, that's when things are s h i t t y. But that changed with my last relationship, which is why I'm still SOOOOOOOOO upset about him breaking up with me, I KNEW. K N E WWWW that I'd probably lose feelings, or something but! That didn't happen and that was WONNNNNNNNNNNDERFUL!!!!! But yeah-  idk. I'm tired, can't sleep.

I never let it hold me down
          I never let you walk through hell
          I would lose myself for you
          And don't you know that all I need
          It's a little bit of company and
          I would lose myself for you

I wanna boy to keep the bed warm while I shower
          I wanna boy to keep the bed warm while we're watching tv
          I wanna boy to keep the bed warm
          When the whole house is freezing
          I wanna boy who isn't anything like me
          
          I wanna boy who doesn't like to go out shopping
          I wanna boy who thinks it sexy when my lipstick bleeds
          I wanna boy who can go all night without stopping
          I wanna boy who knows exactly what he needs
          
          So if you think
          That you're the boy for me
          And I'm the boy for you
          Drop me a line at ob8419@bard.edu
          Tell me about a little bit about yourself
          Send a picture or two
          And hurry up now because
          It's only getting colder

There's this guy I know. And I think he's like- 16. But I see him a lot. And I really, REALLY like him. But the thing is, I shouldn't. The main reason being he has a girlfriend, I think. But fjbebf I saw him today and before he left he gave me a hug. Which doesn't mean much, but gdhf and he also soaked me with water. Which. Was cold.